December 18, 2009:  Believing and Knowing

There is such an enormous distance between understanding something or believing something and knowing something in your bones, almost at a cellular level.  And when this shift happens from getting it to really getting it there is a shift, too, in how you “be”  in the world.

I love feeling better.  Having a new car to play with has been wonderful.  I’ve had to ask myself…is it the new car that is “making” me happy or am I truly on my way to feeling better.  I want to feel better regardless of my outside circumstances and in truth I was on my way to feeling better before the arrival of the car.  The better you feel the better you feel and so on.  It’s the creative dance we came to discover here.

And still my mornings are challenging.  I wake up sometimes tearful, sometimes fearful and sometimes just rather blank.  And I was feeling rather stumped with this.  And I ask what’s with this…every morning is Groundhog Day again and I don’t get it.  What am I missing and Guidance Pleeze!

And then I knew.  I knew what I’d known all along but somehow I’d missed it.

I know now what the tears are for and what I’m weeping for.  I’m longing for my connection with myself.  Call it a soul connection, connection with Source, Higher Power.  The name doesn’t matter.  It’s that connection between me and my divinity.  Mini-me finds a home.

If I wake up with fear that is no connection at all.  If I can move to tears then I’m calling out for a connection and that feels better than feer.  If I wake up with a blank feeling then I can just enjoy waking and breathing in the connection that will come as I enter my day.

So I’ve been blessed and sometimes feel cursed with a highly sensitive system.   I don’t know of anyone else who feels like they are “birthed” every morning.   I understand that infant state when babies wake up and cry for someone to come and pick them up and then they can connect to that parental energy and feel grounded.  I didn’t have that kind of grounding and safe feeling parental energy to get my bearings from.

That left me searching for literally a lifetime looking for that “something” to grab hold of.  I looked for it in people, I looked for it in things, I looked for it in chemicals.  We all look for that because no parent is perfect.  I just missed it at an earlier stage.

But that “sacred wound” directed my life and led me to the great ah-ha, the clarity of knowing.  I’m connecting with the deeper part of me and feeling that and knowing that at the same time is delicious.

With Love, Connie