December 1, 2009:  Ask and it is given…again

Back to this again but it says so much.  Asking implies a need.  How afraid I am at times to need!  I believe we are pretty much all running around trying somehow to avoid needing so we consume things until we have self storage units.  Self storage units when what we are trying to satisfy is the hunger inside of us for love and connection.  And that love and connection is not needed from other people.  It is a hunger for love and connection we seek with our own souls.

 That soft spot inside that will sometimes rather self destruct rather than ask.  And this is the conundrum.  The busier we are organizing our lives around consumption to fill an emptiness or to fill a perceived wanting from our children, the bigger the hunger inside of us gets.  It’s saying, “wrong way, wrong way.”

 I have gone to great lengths over my life to avoid asking and to even avoiding the need that would prompt any asking.  Much of this was unconscious.   Just stay busy, take medication, (which I am not opposed to) shop, talk, read, watch TV., keep those head phones on, those cell phones glued to your head.   Just distract, distract, distract.  That’s a good thing, isn’t it?  Wouldn’t want to feel anything that might be messy or, God forbid, unproductive.

 All to avoid making that step from my soft spot in the heart to yours.  It can be a frightening thing to contemplate.  So the easiest thing is to just not listen to the asking that’s going on from inside.

But I’ve cornered myself in a way.  After decades of tears I think I just may be understanding the persistence of the asking.  That’s the beautiful thing about the soul.  It will not cease the asking.  It just does not give up until the asking is heard, until the call of the soul is answered.

 And so, in that vein, I blurted out to my therapist yesterday very quickly lest I lose my nerve, “I want you to buy me a stuffed animal.”  Jesus, hide me now!

 She was delighted, and immediately pulled out a wonderful bear off of her shelf.  I had not seen this bear but he was obviously waiting for me and now I have Tibbie.  I informed Dudie (bff dog) that he is Mommy’s bear and not a chew toy. 

 I woke up the next morning with Tibbie in my arms and for the first time in months I had no fear.  I asked for him on behalf of the part of me that was too little to know that when Mommy leaves the room and you can’t see her, that she still is there.  What a relief to know she is still there.

 As difficult as it was to ask and as vulnerable that picture of me appears, I swear that this time the gloves are off.  No more hiding, avoiding, running from myself.  My life is on the line here.  No apologies.  Not any more.

 With Love, Connie