January 26th, 2011:  The Rubber Hits the Road

I’m throwing a tantrum.  I’m pissed off and want to yell fuck you at a lot of things and as I’m throwing my tantrum I realize that it is better than feeling victimized which was an old worn out overcoat that was very easy to slip into and wallow in.  I looked at what I previously wrote and realize what a difference a day makes.  I could lift myself out then, I can’t now.  And that pisses me off.

Abraham (see side panel) says that revenge is a better place to be in than depression…I get such satisfaction in seeing all of the health insurance folks hanging by their thumbs and begging my forgiveness and I just say, “you’ve got to be kidding me,” and walking way, putting them on hold….pun intended.

But the tantrum feels not good, and I’m angry that I’m feeling this way as well.  The only thing that soothes me in some way and it isn’t a lot but it will do, is that I know that what I’m going through is important and, in fact, I could see it coming.

I got back from my magnificent cruise to New Zealand and the fumes of that cruise kept me aloft for several days last week after my return.

It’s been nearly two years since my departure from my career as a non profit exec…a departure which left me on the matt for some time.  Now I recognized for some time that I was not prepared to return to any kind of work.  And, more that that, I wanted my next arena of work to be one that was inspired from within and something that would just ring my chimes.  And, in fact, I have had the feeling now and again, that this chapter of my life is going to be the best yet.  I knew it might take a year or two to really feel ready for something new and while I have wrestled with my own expectation that “I should be working” I knew underneath that I was not ready…and besides I had stuff to do.

I began a blog, I was learning and growing so much internally, I was taking cruises with Abraham and took my own personal walk about last fall.

But now it feels like the rubber is hitting the road.  I’m back from my latest adventure, its 2011 and nearly two years since my goodbye to a passionate mission.  I’m feeling ready.  I want to do something.  But the Universe must have a different time table because what I thought was going to play out is not moving.

I’m in limbo and it has come down to that question of being okay with me…alright more than okay.  Can I be loving of myself and feeling good about me when I don’t have the “doing” to define me and give me a sense of worthiness?

About an hour ago I was outside walking my wonderful dog/friend and this big man was coming into my building looking troubled.  He was lost and was also appearing to be a bit intellectually challenged.  I talked with him, gave him the directions I thought he needed and off he went.  I was still outside when he approached me on the sidewalk.  His face just glowed and he waved a piece of paper at me and said he had found what he was looking for and thanked me profusely.  I felt the tears on my cheeks dripping down my face.  His appreciation touched me but more than that…I felt useful and thought to myself how badly I need to justify my right to BE.

Okay, okay, it does feel good to help but I cannot define myself by that.  I don’t have to prove my worthiness. 

I am worthy because I exist, because I am God force in a physical body and until I accept that I am perfect just the way I am I will truly never get to where I want to go.  And I want to GO big time.  I want my own personal Super Bowl.  (Yea, Packers.)

So, as I watch me going through this very tough time, watch the tantrum, the tears, the grief, the whatever it is that I’m going through I think that it’s a good thing.  Not only a good thing but a gift I give to myself or that Source gives to me to get me to an even better place.  I’ll let you know.

With Love, Connie