November 7, 2010:  Manifesting and Vulnerable

It appears odd it me that now that my life is moving in a way that I had envisioned and Ihad held that vision for a year now or more really that I am waking weepy and fearful many days…like this one…Maybe there is something spooky in the energy because we are fucking with the time and have decided to move it back an hour.  How dare we!

That, of course goes against what I truly believe.  So I decided to plug in to you.  And I have gotten some really nice comments.  I am probably naive and think that this is a really sweet comment when it is really someone hacking into my system and depositing all kinds of viral material…but that, too, goes against my beliefs and even if that were so I’ll take the nice comment.  It feels good and that’s all the confirmation I need.

So at a time when my life is moving I feel like a deer in the headlights.  I see a potential dream beginning to sprout wings and I’m feeling so vulneralbe at times.  Now I must remember my words and words are powerful.  I’m not feeling vulnerable all the time but I guess when I begin to feel good so much of the time that NOT feeling good becomes so much worse.  And I guess that in itself is a major accomplishment.

This is the person who used to put one foot in front of the other to get through my days and fear for my sanity and just tough it out most of the time now speaking about how awful it is to not feel good.  Thinking about that I guess I have progressed quite a bit.  I HATE feeling crappy.  It’s no longer acceptable.  It’s just not who I am.  Writing these words is affirming. 

I got a glimpse I’d say of the hem of Source… or perhaps it was a thread of the hem of Source or God or whatever you wish.  But it was a different sort of glimpse of anything I’d had before.  This was a soothing light that was pure unconditional love.  And I know that because of how it felt.  I was meditating and I found this place of soft light…not this powerful light that you can’t look at but this soft sideways light.  Now I know that sounds strange but that’s the best I can do…I can picture it coming at me sort of sideways.  Perhaps that is to indicate the peacefulness and the humility of it.  Not a head on announcement but a quiet, unassuming sort of passing hello.

How it felt…lord how it felt was the most loving, achingly loving, totally accepting kind of love that was piercingly beautiful and I felt humble in the presence and knowing this was far bigger than anything I could possibly imagine and more loving that I could ever experience until I make my transition back to non physical being.

I hadn’t intended to write about this but I obviously needed it.  As I walk into greater manifestation of my dreams I must remember that I cannot get it wrong.  I am cocreating with the eternal.  I AM eternal energy and all I need do is to lean in the direction of feeling good and use my tears as guidance to let me know that the Source within me is NOT seeing the situation as I am seeing it but is that total loving presence that is with me as well.

Happy Daylight Savings and Peace.  With Love, Connie