June 9, 2010:  Contrast Shmontrast

I have been allowing the flow of the Source within me to feeling contrast back and forth and back and forth and feeling very frustrated.  I’m also listening to Abraham as I write (see side panel) and they say that when feeling disappointed with myself I can just make peace with where I am.  It’s difficult to make peace with a place you’re not wanting to be.

I don’t like it and it is SO far away from feeling the energy of love that I REALLY don’t like it.  How so I make peace with this?  The answer seems to lie in my eyes and the release of tears.  I don’t want to cry, dammit.  I want to feel good.  But I also don’t want to beat up on myself either.  I don’t want to become the abusive parent.

It’s a warm day and my body sweats very easily these days.  That’s such an attractive quality.  Feeling about 15 pounds overweight, sweaty and weepy. 

I’ve been packing to go up north.  I believe that this going, this trip is a trigger for many feelings.  I love the north woods.  I love the smell of pine trees, the crystal clear water, the call of the loons, the bald eagles, and most of all the amazing quiet.  I can sit on the porch and watch the hummingbirds and just hear the breeze in the trees and the pounding of tiny wings.

But this year is different.  I’m different.  My family is different.  My daughter is not coming.  She has the opportunity to have the house to herself and would rather stay and enjoy her own solitude.  Also I think this may be the last year I go to this cottage for a number of reasons.  My life is changing and I’m letting go.  As I picture being in the cottage it is a bittersweet feeling.

But contrast calls me to take the expansion, take the bounce and expand to a new place.  I don’t seem to be ready to do that today, not at this hour.  Maybe in a few hours, maybe tomorrow.  Until then I will endeavor to give myself a break.  I know I will come into alignment again and when I do it will feel delicious.

And so it is.  With love, Connie