June 2, 2010:  Match?

I just have to talk a bit about Match.com.  What a riot!  As a reminder I promised myself that in building my new life I would only do what I’m inspired to do and not any shoulds.  If it is not coming from a place of feeling good, forget it.  Well, I did have a genuine inspiration to go on Match.  And it has been interesting. 

First it was this roller coaster kind of thing.  I see a guy and think maybe he’s the one and in the space of maybe one email I’ve totally imagined someone he’s obviously not because there are not more emails and I’m bummed.  I went through that a couple of times and thought this place is an emotional mine field!  It can trigger my male abandonment trauma really quickly and the pathetic part is I DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THESE IDIOTS ARE! 

But some of it is funny too.  Match sends you pictures every day of potential matches…like the guy with the sagging jowls and scrawny beard who has a helmet on his head with great horns coming out of the sides of the helmet and circling over the top.  I kid you not!  Then there was the guy who wrote me this long email about how great he was and CLEARLY English was not his first language.  That was rather amusing.  I turned his ass in.

I’ve gotten a lot of latino men after me.  I don’t know what it is…maybe because I checked in my profile that I could speak Spanish.  Now I’m not fluent but I can get around in a cab in Cozumel.  I think maybe a guy thinks I’m a compatriot or something.  I get these responses from “Emilio” and Enrique and I really like latino men but I really want to communicate primarily in English.  And while these guys all say they think honesty and good communication is at the top of their list of requirements, their responses say that they are leaving out some very important details.  I’ve had to just be amused at these as well.

And actually this has been a very good exercise for me…kind of like a seminar in dating without dating.  A kind of sticking your toes in the water and finding out what it feels like.  I have learned about checking myself emotionally and maintaining boundaries.  I’ve learned about holding my center even when I feel disappointed.  It’s really good preparation for the real thing.

And what I do know is that my partner is out there somewhere…I’ve created him and he is waiting for me as well.  I don’t have to look for him.  The Universe will bring him to me.  So if someone doesn’t return an email from me I clearly know “you’re not the One”.  And I’m totally sure of that because if he were the one he would reply.

So, it’s been a kind of hobby for me.  The dating game…literally…there is no reality, at least not yet.  I realize that I probably am not in the position quite yet to attract the man O my dreams.  I’ve got some leftover energy clean up to do.  But that is coming on nicely and whether or not my guy comes through the internet, it’s priming the pump so to speak.  I find myself looking over the meat everywhere but there always some woman with him.  But the best thing is I’ve aged well.  I look 10 years younger but the women I see with really good looking men have not worn well.  So, I’m so struttin’ my stuff, sayin’, “yeah, I got it…um hm…I got it.”

As I finish this I realize how far I’ve come since last fall when I was no where near ready to strut anything.  Thank you Louise and Abraham my teachers for help with creating what is looking like an amazing new life.  I feel like I’m really getting to the fun stuff now.

With Love, Connie