February 21st, 2010:  Still Abiding

It’s only been two days since I got back from Chicago.   I believe that seeing Oprah was very impactful for me in ways I wasn’t aware of at the time and there was a place of vulnerability emotionally and through that place of vulnerability rushed some backed up feelings and a somewhat early anniversary reaction to my leaving the agency one year ago…blah, blah, blah.

Could I have a vitamin D deficiency?   I’m going to have my levels checked.  For many medical professionals sadness is something to be fixed.  Even though I had been feeling quite well a week ago, if I say I’m not feeling well, then there is something to fix.  While I have great issues with the medical profession, a quick vitamin D check would be okay.

I’m feeling a bit impatient and I guess I would like to fix me if I could.  I forget so easily everything I know…and this is just since this morning.  In trying times I just have to be with myself more intensely, more compassionately, more intimately.

I was listening to Oprah interview Thicht Naht Han on the radio this morning.  He’s a Buddhist monk who speaks of mindfulness and fully being with yourself in the moment.  He advises embracing the feelings and going deeply into them, and through the being will come the peace.

I’m more into an unconscious pushing away stance…like an arms out pushing.  I am shifting back to putting the arms down or better yet than holding them out in a pushing motion, putting palms up in an opening up motion…embracing.

At times I become my own emotionally neglectful parent.  A little love is okay but anything more is coddling.  Learning to love myself without conditions is a new thing for me but well worth my taking note.  I believe Thicht would agree.

So I will take Dudie (bff dog) for a walk and be with myself in deeper compassion and genuine wanting to invite myself into my own heart…not just an empty gesture but a sincere offer.  I also need to remember to ask my larger self, Source, for help as well.  Guidance, please!

As we enter another week my loving thoughts are with all of us.   Connie