February 9th, 2010:  Being in the Snowstorm

The wind is howling.  This is what Siberia must sound like except that it’s Milwaukee.  It’s been snowing all day and is supposed to continue all night.  Dudie (bff dog) and I were snow bound in the loft along with much of the city…much of the city was not in my loft but also at home.  It’s supposed to be about 10 inches.  I took Dudie out to pee tonight and he looked at a drift that was about 1 foot deep and just stalled…he would have been in over his head or up to his eyeballs.  He gallantly lifted his wonderful little leg on the building and retreated to the door!

I’m going on about this because I haven’t spent a day to myself totally inside in months.  I had been actually too unnerved to spend that much time with myself.  I had slight flashbacks about last spring when sometimes I wasn’t able to spend the night here and if I did I left way before noon to out run the anxiety which would bear down on me.  On a day like this I can appreciate how far I’ve come.

I need to remind myself because I become so impatient with me.  My critical parent can squeek it’s jibes at me…do better…feel better…make some money…blah, blah.  I truly am committed to allowing myself to emerge in a new way without pushing and proding and to have faith that my next “calling” will emerge when the time is right and that it will be just the right thing.  I was watching Oprah today and she was interviewing some nuns from a convent outside of Detroit.  Parts of that life is appealing to me…the close sense of community…the support…the ability to live an intimate spiritual life.

I remind myself that actually what I’m doing now in living a new paradigm is the most important work I could do.  That life in the being rather than the doing is where the true power of creation lies.  Some days that’s all I need to feel better.  Some days knowing that the being is enough is still a new thing for my brains to grasp.

With Love, Connie