Vision Keeping

December 18, 2009:  Believing and Knowing

There is such an enormous distance between understanding something or believing something and knowing something in your bones, almost at a cellular level.  And when this shift happens from getting it to really getting it there is a shift, too, in how you “be”  in the world.

I love feeling better.  Having a new car to play with has been wonderful.  I’ve had to ask myself…is it the new car that is “making” me happy or am I truly on my way to feeling better.  I want to feel better regardless of my outside circumstances and in truth I was on my way to feeling better before the arrival of the car.  The better you feel the better you feel and so on.  It’s the creative dance we came to discover here.

And still my mornings are challenging.  I wake up sometimes tearful, sometimes fearful and sometimes just rather blank.  And I was feeling rather stumped with this.  And I ask what’s with this…every morning is Groundhog Day again and I don’t get it.  What am I missing and Guidance Pleeze!

And then I knew.  I knew what I’d known all along but somehow I’d missed it.

I know now what the tears are for and what I’m weeping for.  I’m longing for my connection with myself.  Call it a soul connection, connection with Source, Higher Power.  The name doesn’t matter.  It’s that connection between me and my divinity.  Mini-me finds a home.

If I wake up with fear that is no connection at all.  If I can move to tears then I’m calling out for a connection and that feels better than feer.  If I wake up with a blank feeling then I can just enjoy waking and breathing in the connection that will come as I enter my day.

So I’ve been blessed and sometimes feel cursed with a highly sensitive system.   I don’t know of anyone else who feels like they are “birthed” every morning.   I understand that infant state when babies wake up and cry for someone to come and pick them up and then they can connect to that parental energy and feel grounded.  I didn’t have that kind of grounding and safe feeling parental energy to get my bearings from.

That left me searching for literally a lifetime looking for that “something” to grab hold of.  I looked for it in people, I looked for it in things, I looked for it in chemicals.  We all look for that because no parent is perfect.  I just missed it at an earlier stage.

But that “sacred wound” directed my life and led me to the great ah-ha, the clarity of knowing.  I’m connecting with the deeper part of me and feeling that and knowing that at the same time is delicious.

With Love, Connie

December 13, 2009:  Creating on Purpose of by Default

 We are all creating our lives all of the time.  There as a wonderful book and a movie with the same title, “What the Ble@P Do We Know?”  The authors explain how this is scientifically so and I can’t recommend them enough.

 The crucial point here is to become aware of our thoughts and feelings so that we can consciously create rather than create by default.

 Creating by default is what most of us do when we wake up in the morning and just run from one thing to the next and at the end of the day wonder what we have accomplished and wonder sometimes if this is all there is.  Creating by default is getting what you’ve got but not knowing how you got it.  Luck?  Hard work?  It’s more than that.  It’s your expectations and beliefs about what you will get.

Your beliefs about who you are, what you deserve or don’t deserve, what you want and what you focus upon drive outcomes.  It was really interesting working with women who were involved in the criminal justice system.  I asked them what they did not like about their present lives.  Most of them talked about having probation officers, having no money, not being with their children, dealing with addiction.

 When we began with each not wanted thing and asking them how it is currently serving them in some way and what negative beliefs they have about themselves that support their current circumstances, it is often an extremely revealing experience for them.

 It is very empowering to know you have control over your life in ways you never dreamed of.  It truly provides hope for an exciting future and ways to attain your heart’s desire.

 To help me more consciously create I think about my intentions for the day every morning and write them down.  Like I want an uplifting meeting or I want to allow my feelings without judgment, or I want to appreciate what I’m experiencing and look for positive things to focus upon, or I want something fun to happen.  I think about each thing and write it down and then think about why I want it.  Thinking about the why’s adds the creative “punch” to the thought energy.

Doing this has changed my life.  During the day I continue to do intentions.  Abraham (www.abraham-hicks.com) calls this segment intending.  I get in my car or on my motor cycle and ask for safety, I ask for parking spaces.  Asking for parking spaces is fun and produces tangible results.  Of course the key is that you must believe that the parking space you envision will absolutely be there and remember it takes 17 seconds to create a potent thought.

 At night I look again at my day’s intentions and journal about what I appreciated during the day and what I would like during the night like a good nights sleep and sexy dreams, or whatever and how I want to begin the next day.

 Becoming a conscious creator takes knowing your intentions and becoming aware of what you are focusing upon.  I decided years ago that TV news and even the newspapers were far too negative to give my attention to.  I love an interview with Bette Midler that was done years ago.  She said she never watched news on television because every time she did she had to go lie down!

 Focus on what feels good to you!

 With love, Connie

December 11, 2009:  Creating my own reality can suck!

 If we create our own reality that must make us pretty powerful.  Marianne Williamson says, “We are not afraid that we are powerless.  We are afraid of how powerful we really are.”

 There is also this saying along that like that says, “Be careful what you wish for.”  Along that line we get what we focus upon.  According to Abraham (www.abraham-hicks.com) it takes about 17 seconds to create a thought powerful enough to begin the creation process.  Remember Law of Attraction:  That which is like unto itself is drawn.  In other words, you get what you believe.  If you believe that life and people are basically good you are probably an optimist and notice the good things around you and that your cup is half full.  If you believe that somehow you were born on the crap end of God’s stick then you are more likely to be pessimistic and tend to be drawn to what is going wrong.  Your cup is definitely half empty.

 The majority of the women I worked with in the criminal justice system definitely believe they missed any sort of blessing from God, do not feel worthy of success and keep validating their personal truth with criminal behavior, while at the same time feeling victimized

 In fact their beliefs of personal lack are so strong that they are most vulnerable for relapse when they begin to do well.  Receiving what they want goes so against their personal beliefs that they must screw up to feel like themselves again.

 Most of us do something similar.  We have that old ugly overcoat of pain and ugliness that we can slip into from time to time.  It feels awful but strangely familiar in a way that is validating.  And it doesn’t lead to us going to jail.

 I have a deep belief that my personal needs will not be met by the world around me.  That triggers a need to control people and conditions so I can be safe.  I was reminded about my personal power and my negative beliefs in my battle with Walgreen’s vs. my insurance carrier.

 I gave Walgreen’s a prescription for something that was definitely necessary to my well being and feeling particularly vulnerable adds to the mix.  Day number one Walgreens said my insurance would not cover the medication even though I had been receiving it from another pharmacy.  Then there was day two and calls to Walgreens and my physician.  Then day three, and day four pass.  By day five my anxiety and rage were through the roof.  Doesn’t anyone hear me?  What about me?  I felt so victimized and jerked around.

 Wait a minute!  It dawns on me.  I create my own reality.  You mean I created this shit?   Yes I did.  I was in a dance with Law of Attraction.  Even my doctor said, “I can’t believe this.  This never has happened to me.”  Actually, when I thought about it that made me rather proud.  Yes, I bad!  The light bulb went on.

I do not believe that if I ask for those really, really important things that the world around me sees me or cares, particularly insurance companies or doctors, or pharmacies.  Bingo!

In that moment my energy shifted from not believing I would get the prescription to believing that it would come that day…and it did.

 That’s powerful and we are all involved in this co-creative process.

 With love, Connie

December 9, 2009:   Wanting too much?

 No two orgasms are the same.  Just like the snowflake thing.  And no two days are alike either.  That’s because we are energetic, vibrational beings who are constantly changing and expanding.

 When I’ve begun feeling good after a low period, I’m so glad because I’m feeling good.  And it seems that by the time I’m really noticing I’m feeling good I begin to feel a creeping feeling of watching for the down hill slide.  When is the other shoe going to fall and I’ll feel crappy again?  And because of my beliefs that this will happen and inevitably does, I curse my defectiveness at some level.

 But now that I have all of this daunting time on my hand and I have the luxury of being curious.  For the past several days I’ve noticed an upward swing and less morning drama.  I got my Tibbie (stuffed animal), new medication, and along with the emotional work I’ve done I believe I just may be on the upswing.

Then I wake up and feel the old fear and tears and I’m saying, what the hell is this?  I’m so frustrated with this.  Even though I know better I want to yell at myself and say, “What the hell is wrong with you.”

But wait.   I want to get curious and verbally abusing myself has never been particularly helpful.  I don’t need to be the embodiment of another critical mother.  I want to do better.

And then I receive the guidance with the thought that I have achieved, in part, what I had been asking for…feeling better, having some direction.  So now what?

And that’s it.  There’s the trigger.  I’m asking again.  I’m wanting more.  I’m wanting the next step and I don’t know what it is.  Is it all right to want?  Do I deserve more?

 So what if all of those times that I was feeling good and waiting for the other shoe to fall can be reframed into a natural receiving of what I’ve asked for and wanting something more.  Something more to think about, something more to grow into.   It’s the natural expansion of myself.

 A wise teacher told me, “Get what you ask for and shout for more.”  The more may be a new question, a new opportunity to have compassion for the unfolding of the process. 

 But I will say “yes” to asking for more.  Bring it!

 With Love, Connie

I feel like a squirrel preparing for winter.  As the days shorten, and it’s more and more cloudy and rainy I can no longer find some release and freedom being outdoors and riding my Harley-Davidson regularly.  It’s difficult to be depressed while flying through the wind and feeling like tough shit on the bike.

What will I do when I’m socked in with snow and cold and wading around in dirty slush outside?  Alcoholism is not on my list of activities but I can see why it is a problem in Iceland. 

 The blog is satisfying and something to which I’m committed but clearly is not enough.  On line dating!  There’s a scarey thought and a remote possibility.  I don’t believe I’m ready yet for that and the Law of Attraction would probably bring me someone who is unemployed and depressed.  I’m really wanting a wealthy, attractive man looking for a traveling companion.  He pays, of course.

 Something I plan on doing is polish a draft of a curriculum I have written.  Over the past three years I’ve been developing a curriculum entitled Awake and Inspired:  Creating the Life You Want.  I have used it with the staff in my former agency and then began teaching it to our consumers, women in the criminal justice system.

 It teaches the basics of how we create our own reality and practical how-to’s for getting on the journey.  For those who are ready it can be literally life changing as it was for me.  It can also just offer some practical help in feeling better.

My future may include using this curriculum in some way.  I’m already using its ideas and beliefs in this blog.   Because both the blog and the curriculum are coming from an internal place of inspiration, I am willing to allow the Universe to direct me as to their use and I’m feeling patient.

With Love, Connie

December 4, 2009:  Motivation vs. Inspiration

 Our culture is so action oriented.  We give awards and monuments to those who have done the most and to those who have literally died trying.  Somehow we have equated actions with results as in the greater the action, the greater the result.  So, we almost feel superior if our calendars are crammed and we have no time for anything.

 I’ve come to believe very differently and at the heart of this is the difference between inspiration and motivation.

 I believe that we have simply have forgotten how to live well.  Somehow living has gotten all mixed up with production.  It’s those people who have had an encounter with terminal illness or experienced some other life jarring trauma that tell us to slow down and take time to love and appreciate all that we have.

 We say we must do that and it does sound good but we only learn by doing and by experience.

 I thought I was living pretty close to the heartbeat of things…until I found myself unemployed and flat on the mat.  I did not realize how much of my identity and self worth were tied to being Executive Director and how much of me was identified with the agency where spent half of my life.  I was loving myself conditionally.

 And through the process of encountering myself in the stillness of my time, I’m learning to love myself more deeply.  I’m also loving the people around me more fully.  I’m finding my loved ones and even strangers more poignant, amusing, dear.  In learning to love me I can see others more clearly with eyes of love as well.

 I promised myself I would not abandon me to the push to find a new job.  I promised myself I would not be motivated by fear.  I would not squander this amazing opportunity by compromising my beliefs

 I promised myself I would act out of inspiration and not motivation.  Motivation may pump you up momentarily and it comes usually from an external source – an advertisement, a book, a “motivational speaker”, an idea from a friend, a New Year’s resolution.  But when we act out of motivation on really important things we are most likely going to fail when the motivation wears off, and motivation usually wears off.

Inspiration, on the other hand, comes from within.  It is spirit whispering to us or shouting at us in some cases and we simply feel the call to respond.  Motivation can feel like pushing ahead.  Inspiration feels like we have to act and the action does not feel difficult, it just flows from the inspiration.  It is the soul’s calling.

 And we can trust inspiration.  Motivation can be fickle, a slick salesman.

 So I’m committed to acting out of inspiration for my next steps and so far so good!

 With Love, Connie