Vision Keeping

February 20th, 2010:  Abiding with Me

This day is a very challenging one.  In my daily appreciations or gratitudes for the day will be getting through it.  And I know I will be getting through it.  And I guess that is something.  As I mentioned yesterday this has been the lowest on the scale I’ve felt since one year ago.  But with one large exception.  I’m not afraid.  I can experience the grief surrounding loss without fear this time.  I was so frightened last year, I felt so paralyzed.

I may be having an anniversary reaction to the trauma of last year, I don’t know.   I kinda think so.  Growing certainly is not in a straight line but I had no idea this was coming.  I was feeling so great last week so this is frustrating.  But there are certain things I know for sure:

• I feel my Source holding me and that feels good.  I know that I have grown to the point where I can trust the Source within and I don’t feel abandoned.  This is really big, folks.  I feel held and loved from within.  When I begin to doubt I get quiet and return to the stillness within and know.
• I trust that this process is needed to get me to a better place…a place where I am wanting to go. 
• I know that this is not a permanent place…just like my place of joy is not permanent as well.
• I know that this is a place of creation because as I sit with my tears and wanting to feel better I’m creating a vibrational/energetic picture of me that waits for me to catch up.  Thought forms are at the basis of all there is.  I recommend Ask and It Is Given by Abraham/Esther Hicks.  Everything exists vibrationally before it materializes.

Dudie (bff dog) sits in my lap while I type.  I can sit back and put my hands in his fur.  I have so much to be grateful for in my life right now.  I’m glad to have this place to leave some thoughts.   If I can provide something to someone else that would feel very good to me.

With Lovc, Connie

February 19th, 2010:  Post Oprah Let Down?

We went, we saw, we loved her!  It wasn’t exactly what I would have picked to want to see…Oprah interviewed Andrew Young and his wife…you know the guy who said he was the Baby Daddy for John Edwards?  And then she interviewed the wife of the governor who went missing and turned up in Argentina visiting his soul mate.

Seeing Oprah was an out of body experience for me…I must have been rather disconnected.  I couldn’t quite believe I was there, and then in the studio and then, there she is, this woman who I have been watching as long as she has been on television.  I don’t think I could quite believe it.  Part of me was numb to it but I wasn’t aware at the time…or was I.  After the taping she looked at the audience…when she looked my way I waved at her and she waved back…that was my Oprah moment.

This morning I crashed…I’m not sure how or what or why but I haven’t felt this bad since last spring when I left the agency initially for a sabbatical before leaving officially.  I was afraid for my sanity and now with Dudie (bff dog) on my lap I just feel like I could cry the Milwaukee River up to my 8th floor perch.  I’m sure there’s a  connection with Oprah but I’m not sure what it is.  She gets to do her soul’s calling in such a magnificent way and I want to do that too?  Perhaps.  The loss of my 32 year run at Horizons which had been my life even more than I knew and now not even recognizing what it has become?    The agency I ran doesn’t exist any more.  That’s worth a chip off the brain block.

It seems as if this morning the portal opened to my pain pit and everything just came out like a geyser.  I’m trying to work this with everything I’ve written about here…ah, there’s a big thing that I haven’t done and it’s one of the first things to be done…Make peace with where you are.

Make peace with where I am.  But I don’t like where I am.  It doesn’t matter.  Actually it does matter.  It matters even more if I don’t like it.  Make peace with the messiness, the pain, the grieving, the doubting, the not knowing.  Make piece with all of it.  But how do I do that, she says.  Just start by letting it be, girlfriend.  Just let yourself be.  Okay.

With love, Connie

February 13th, 2010:    Reality – You Choose

A belief is just a thought you keep thinking.  String a lot of beliefs together and you get a picture of the reality you live in.  Because you will focus or notice those things which confirm your reality and Law of Attraction will bring you those things which confirm what you believe and so a belief situation is perpetuated, good or bad, wanted or wanted.

Except…when you decide that you can change what you focus upon to consciously take in that which feels good to you. your reality shifts too.  The more you sift and sort what you want to focus upon according to what feels good to you, the more you feel good and the more of that which feels good comes to you and on and on. 

The better I feel, the better I feel and the more I notice what feels good to me and the less I’m interested in what doesn’t feel good to me.  I watch very little TV and for sure NEVER listen to the TV news.  That’s the most distorted picture of “reality” available to us.  It’s certainly not what we should watch before going to sleep.  The news in this country is corporation driven so it needs to make money and what makes money?  Fear.  So the news is geared to a fear based reality.  That’s not a reality I’m wanting to live in.  But I don’t think most people are conscious enough to make that decision.  It’s just in front of me so I’ll watch it.  It confirms the fears I have, so I take it in and I feel more afraid.  So I guess that’s reality. 

To allow something that is so external to my life experience to energetically impact, and in many cases confirm my fears until they just become my reality is something to think about.  Canada doesn’t have corporation driven news and, on the whole they are a much less fear driven society.

So, more and more I’m really seriously careful about what I give my attention to because that energy impacts me and draws more of same to me.  The fact that many of us take not feeling all that great as normal is mind blowing when you consider that it all depends on what you choose to focus upon.  In fact, our true normal is happy, curious, energetic, eager.  Just look at children before they are trained away from themselves.

Give yourself a Valentine’s Day Present.   Focus only on what feels good to you!  That is a gift of Love.

With love, Connie

February 12th, 2010:  Hittin’ on All Six

Today is a good day.  I mean one of those great days.  I feel fully me…and that feels damn good.  I also don’t want to jinx myself by saying more about it.  That sentence is worth a whole column but not today!  No, not today!

I just want to bask today in feeling good and let it go at that.

Happy Valentines Day, have a great weekend, hasta la vista, Connie

February 11, 2010:  Contrast as Power

When she felt good she felt very very good but when she felt bad she felt horrid!  This could be subtitled, Memoir of a Bi-Polar.  Or just someone who feels things very deeply.  Since this is me I prefer the latter.

There were times when I cursed my sensitivity but I’m coming around to a re-frame because guess what?  I think I’m going to be stuck with me for some years to come so I had better figure out how to put myself in a better light or my ability to create the super duper reality that I want has the self hate brakes on.

Abraham (see side bar) calls negative feelings contrast and contrast is the stuff/energy with which we create.  It occurred to me that my sometimes negative feelings have great power behind them because when I’m feeling a painful reaction to something I don’t want I automatically shoot out bolt of energy to the universe stating what I do want. 

I’ve known this but there’s the knowing and the knowing.  Levels of knowing.  I’m beginning to appreciate the negative feelings I have for their creativity.  Whether I’m aware of it or not I’m creating when I don’t feel so hot.  I’m sending out “rockets of desire” that are asking to feel better, to feel stronger, to have whatever I want that was the offshoot of the frustration…etc.

So, I’m allowing the negative feelings more without beating on myself.  Now I don’t think I will never beat on myself again…after all it’s just too much fun.  But I will have the learning that the negative emotion is a good thing.  And now that I know that I can’t pretend that I don’t know it anymore.

With Love, Connie

February 10th, 2010:  Learning to Fly

I guess I can expect some blood and maybe a broken bone…or 4.  After all when I was learning to ride my Harley Sportster 1200 custom there was blood the time I hit the chain link fence.  And then there was the time when some woman t-boned me at an intersection.  I learned to look at the tires not eyes of the driver.  And I’m still riding.  The bike and I are one now, no need to think about which hand is doing what with what foot.  God that was mind bending.

So I’m learning to fly my energetic self and it really is quite a ride.  Energy is tricky to get used to…learning to tilt it this way and that way, feel a little bit this way, shift a bit that way.  EGADS!  Don’t go over there!!  And then there’s finding that wind like the gulls do down at Lake Michigan.  They just ride the wind for the fun of it.  I can find that wave of good feelings and just ride sometimes.

And then I fall and I’m not sure how I got there and sometimes it’s easy to rise again with the next wind but sometimes nothing is moving and I just abide with me.

I want to know that I’m learning well, that I’m an excellent student.  I want to hear a reassuring voice telling me how marvelous I’m doing, how graceful I am and not to worry I will get better and better at this.

I was at an energy conference several years ago in San Diego and a woman took a picture of my aura energy.  She was rather amazed and said it was I was riding three stallions at the same time.  I told her I was a double Scorpio.  Well that explains everything!

I do know I’m learning to fly and that I’m improving and that my confidence in the pilot’s seat is growing.  And I wish I could just wad all of my doubt and fear up in a ball and kick it into oblivion.  After that I’ll pick up those twins and hold them on my lap.

Much Love, Connie

February 9th, 2010:  Being in the Snowstorm

The wind is howling.  This is what Siberia must sound like except that it’s Milwaukee.  It’s been snowing all day and is supposed to continue all night.  Dudie (bff dog) and I were snow bound in the loft along with much of the city…much of the city was not in my loft but also at home.  It’s supposed to be about 10 inches.  I took Dudie out to pee tonight and he looked at a drift that was about 1 foot deep and just stalled…he would have been in over his head or up to his eyeballs.  He gallantly lifted his wonderful little leg on the building and retreated to the door!

I’m going on about this because I haven’t spent a day to myself totally inside in months.  I had been actually too unnerved to spend that much time with myself.  I had slight flashbacks about last spring when sometimes I wasn’t able to spend the night here and if I did I left way before noon to out run the anxiety which would bear down on me.  On a day like this I can appreciate how far I’ve come.

I need to remind myself because I become so impatient with me.  My critical parent can squeek it’s jibes at me…do better…feel better…make some money…blah, blah.  I truly am committed to allowing myself to emerge in a new way without pushing and proding and to have faith that my next “calling” will emerge when the time is right and that it will be just the right thing.  I was watching Oprah today and she was interviewing some nuns from a convent outside of Detroit.  Parts of that life is appealing to me…the close sense of community…the support…the ability to live an intimate spiritual life.

I remind myself that actually what I’m doing now in living a new paradigm is the most important work I could do.  That life in the being rather than the doing is where the true power of creation lies.  Some days that’s all I need to feel better.  Some days knowing that the being is enough is still a new thing for my brains to grasp.

With Love, Connie