Vision Keeping

May 30th, 2010: The Sweat Lodge

The Sweat Lodge…what does that bring up in your mind?  In mine it was a rather awesome, mysterious, powerful, spiritual event where you had the chance to touch the ages, be led by  a shaman and reach a new level of being.  A being united with the past tribes of the prairie, of buffalo, of sweet grass, of the pipe. 

About four years ago this weekend I finally had the chance to do this…this long anticipated event.  I had a friend who knew a teacher who held sweat lodges every month.  I contacted this person and she invited me to participate in the sweat lodge.  It was to be held about 40 miles outside of Milwaukee on an organic farm I was familiar with.

On the appointed Saturday I showed up promply at 3 at the farm and we walked down to the sweat lodge area.  People would be joining us throughout the afternoon I learned, something I began to wish I had known as the day wore on. 

First we were to do what our leader called Karma Yoga..which was her way of saying we were going to work the land.  I was so nervous and I’m trying to make some connections with planting the trees that were brought and getting in the sweat lodge but I was game.  Hey where was the sweat lodge?  Oh, it’s over there.  It appeared to be this small circle house made of an understructure of some long logs bound together and covered with canvas.  It looked very small and very primitave.  Someone was mentioning about how it has just been rebuilt and I thought, I wonder what it looked like before but I was very game.

After working for an hour or so we went to the stream on  t he property to select the Grandfathers, the rocks, that would be used to heat the lodge.  Heating the rocks, I learned is a long process as they must be nearly glowing hot to be transferred to the lodge.    The Grandfathers were piled in the center of a large pit and a fire built around them.  Now it’s about 5:00.  I came for a sweat lodge and this is taking awhile but I’m game.

Now is the time of the firing up of the Grandfathers.  There were some prayers offered along with a language I was not familiar with…oh, by the way, I knew only two people out of about 30 people who showed up and I was one of 2 people of the European American persuasion…not that it matters…but I was feeling out of place a bit anyway because I didn’t know the drill and then I felt like I stuck out somewhat to boot.  The clueless white chick.

So we were supposed to feed the fire or offer gifts to the fire.  Now the leader had told me that but I didn’t especially know what to bring to feed the fire…what does the fire want?  The Milwaukee Journal or some oreos perhaps?  Are the Grandfathers into junk food or are they vegan?  I had no clue but everyone else did.  Everything from avacados to flowers to prayers on paper were offered to the fire with a lot of chanting. 

Meanwhile that fire was getting very Hot !  I don’t know how people were able to be anywhere near it.  The leader told me to breathe but I kept backing away until she related in her strong Black woman voice to BREATHE, and I did. Okay, okay, already.  But immediately I felt like I could handle the energy of the fire.  I think I needed more energy inside of me to counterbalance the Grandfathers who were crankin’.

Now  it is about 7:00 and we’re still stoking the Grandfathers and they don’t look anywhere near red and then I found out the next part of this gig was a sort of testamonial.  People would just get up and spill their guts about whatever was troubling them.  Now I’m all for that and I even have a clinical background but not Black Church back ground.  Look out White Girl, the heavy guns are commin’.   Now I had to remind myself that these people had histories with one another but I didn’t so when the shouting and the screaming and the crying started…yes, and the vomiting in the weeds too…I was a bit taken aback especially with children in the group.  But when are we going to get to the damn Sweat Lodge?  It’s 9:00 and I’ve been here since fucking 3:00 p.m.    People let’s get on with it.

So, finally the Grandfathers were red and ready to go…somehow the men got them transferred to the pit on a lever of logs on which they rolled down into the pit of the Sweat Lodge.  By then it was dark and I understood why nothing was going to happen until dark…it’s because now it’s time for everyone to get naked!

Yes, we all dropped trou and filed into the sweat lodge in single file.  At the door of the lodge the leader smudged us with sage to purify us and then we sat or lay on the dirt floor, onto which had been laid rugs.  Because there were so many people we were arranged in a tight spiral from the center of the fire going around and round until I was on the outside ring next to the canvas wall. 

I have to say that I’m a bit freaked now, I’m naked, hungry, weirded out a bit.  Shouldn’t there be an orientation for this, guys?  What’s going to happen next?  I had no clue.  I knew soon.  I did know something about the idea of dying and rebirth in the sweat  lodge.  The only think I could think of is that you get so fucking hot you WISH you were dead. And those Grandfathers did their job.  It was unfuckingbelievably hot in there.  I was purposefully placed on the side because it was less hot there but I wanted to stick my mouth down against the dirt in the crack between the ground and the canvas but I couldn’t quite manage it because my naked butt would have been in someone’s face.

Oh, Lordy, I guess it is death time…the screaming and moaning starts and it’s just too tight in there to have your own private space  to die in   We’re all going together in Jonestown fashion.  Let the dying begin.  No, I tell myself, I’m okay…I can last.  It’s just sweat, and besides if I sweat enough I won’t pee on myself.

Then, there was the final straw…I could see it coming.  At first I thought I was saved.  Our leader opened the canvas door and I could feel some cool air…yes, cool air.  Thank you, Jesus!  But then I noticed that in one ha nd she held a long dipper and was filling it with water.  Oh, God, she’s going to pour water on the Grandfathers and the heat is going to poach us in our own sweat!

That was it…I mustered up all my White Girl courage and said, “coming out, NOW”!  The bodies immediately parted and I made a run for it before the canvas door came down again.  Suddenly I’m outside….YES!  It’s dark and cool and there is still a small fire going so I could see….a  10 year old boy staring at me.  Oh, Well!  We were partners in desertion.  We bonded instantly.  No one had told me to bring a towel so I grabbed someone elses and dried off my sweat soaked body and looked around for my clothes. 

My new friend and I chatted as we dressed.  He was sweet.  But, as I got into my car and drove out onto the highway headed home I was so glad to be out of there and yet glad to have a tail of survival.  I was invited back again but I passed.  Thank you Grandfathers.

May 29th, 2010:  The Art of Allowing

You wouldn’t think that feeling good was something that you actually had to allow.  Like “allowing” tons of money or “allowing” a beautiful life partner, or “allowing” the child you have longed for.  The Art of Allowing would imply that it’s kind of tricky to allow good stuff when that just doesn’t seem logical but it is.

So, what is the opposite of allowing.  That would be resistence.  Because we live in an attraction based universe we receive what we are vibrating.  If we are worried about money we are not allowing it but are vibrating “no money, no money, no money, no money.”   And this is a resistent vibration.  It’s not in harmony with allowing money to flow. 

Remember the saying that the energy of the problem is different from the energy of the solution.  Same thing.  You can’t be talking about the problem and receive the solution.  They are on different wave lengths.  There is a common story about “allowing” yourself to be come pregnant.  I became pregnant at 37 and because it was a later pregnancy I was somewhat concerned.  Months came and went.  No baby.  So I decided I didn’t have to have a baby and thought of all of the benefits of not having a baby and presto I’m pregnant.

So, you can kind of get the idea of the Art of Allowing.  We are so driven by negative beliefs about how stingy the world is and how hard it is and how limited resources are it just is a challenge to re program to the idea of abundance.

Right now I’m definitely into the abundance of feeling good.  There is also no limit to how good one can feel there is always room for greater expansion.  We are expanding beings.  There is never a time when we will stop expanding.  That is the nature of life, expansion.  So, I’m trying to allow.  And even in saying that I’m exhibiting resistent energy.  One does not try to allow.  In the  trying there is the “pushing against” aspect that is resisting the allowing.

So, what do I do?  I allow the allowing.  I was just walking the dog.  My life has improved dramatically over the past two months and the past week the tremendously good feelings are just a bit elusive.  In my previous life I would have accepted this as “normal” but I’m getting greedy.  I want to feel better more of the time and know this is possible.  So as I’m walking my bff Dudie dog I’m allowing the allowing.  I’m breathing and with each breath I’m relaxing fully internally and letting myself see and experience the good feelings waiting for me.  It’s a visceral thing but I can feel the good feelings when I just relax into the allowing.  Relaxing into the allowing is a very good description of the process and as I do that I can feel my energy begin to rise.

But this is a practice.  A practice of relaxing into the allowing and a practice of allowing the good feelings to emerge.  It’s safe out here guys.  You can come out now.  No one’s going to yell at you or shame you or slap you or say you’re crazy.  You can come out now.  It’s okay.

It’s true we are afraid of feeling good, afraid of the good feelings and all of us have our own story about that.  It’s the same story as being afraid to be fully who we are, to be fully seen even by ourselves.

Memorial Day weekend is the perfect time to relax into allowing.  Allow the allowing.

Brave expansion someone in my Abrahamster Group called it last night.  Brave expansion.

Breathe on, With Love, Connie

May 26th, 2010:  No Other Gods

I remember so much Bible thumping from my growing up in Kansas.  From what I learned there were only a very few people that were NOT going to hell and those few people had one foot on a banana peel.  Some wise peace of me didn’t buy it and felt guilty for that but I thought even if I did buy it, the odds weren’t good even to be one of the very few.

From the 10 Commandments stuff I really didn’t get the “thou shalt have no other gods befoe me.”  What did that mean?  There were imposter gods out there?  Then from the Kansas thumpers I gathered it meant liking anything more that God.  To me,that meant anything from cheeseburgers to those silver machines in Las Vegas, the main terminal to hell.  And then that was confusing because from my kid point of view God wasn’t very likeble.  What had he ever done for me?  He certainly didn’t talk to me plus all I heard from the thumping was how disgusted he was with me.  I was a piece of crap just waiting for my turn in the hand basket.  How do I love someone who thinks I’m a worm?  That was in one of the hymns…something about “for such a worm as I” was in there.  I didn’t forget that one.

Needless to say I put that version of God down as soon as I had enough courage to say “no” to the whole deal, which wasn’t soon enough, and walk away.  Later I would find my own version and put that together piece by piece into something that made sense and nourished my soul rather than beat it to death.  I also discovered the concept of spiritual abuse which, of course, made total sense to me having been an abusee.

Now back to the no other gods thing.  Abraham says (see side panel) says that the most important relationship I have is between me and me.  That is between the physical me and the energetic, vibrational me, which is the bigger part of me, the God force part of me.  When these me’s are in agreement then I feel wonderful and when they don’t agree, I feel negative emotion. 

For example, if I feel badly because I’m not employed the reason I feel badly is because the bigger, God force part of me is not seeing me in the same light as the physical me has judged me.  We are not in agreement.  If I feel bad because I’m pissed off at someone who treated me badly then the physical me is not in agreement with the energetic me who sees whoever mistreated me in a different light that I am seeing that person.  We are not in agreement because the god force part of me does not love conditionally.   No other gods.

In other words, I cannot set up myself as anything other than a loving being and when I do I am not in alignment with my true self and I feel badly.  Furthermore, how I feel at any given time must matter more to me than anything else because that is my divine guidance.    Feeling as good as I can IS my work and if I allow anything else to become more important it is the same thing as putting other gods before me.  Actually I made that connection myself!  I finally get it.  And I venture Jesus would agree.  “The kingdom of God is within.”

That’s deep enought for one day.  I need a nap!  With Love, Connie

May 24th, 2010:  Trauma Trigger Oooops!

Ever been just gliding along in the sunshine and feeling fine with the world and then hit a really deep pot hole that you didn’t see coming?  BLAM!  Jarring as shit.  It’s not that it was that abrupt but I have been feeling totally amazing and then I wasn’t and was in that oh so familiar place of trying to keep my feet under me and slipping quite a bit.  Damn, that’s frustrating.  And even moreso when I know my energy is running fast so when I hit a hole it’s even more frustrating.

But, I know I’ll get back to my sweet place and I know that whatever is going on is coming perfectly in it’s own time to reveal something needed for me to work out more kinks in my energetic system and when I “take the bounce” that this is calling me to do I’ll feel even better.

This morning my guidance came.  It comes so often in the morning when my resistence is not up yet and I’m still waking up.   And my understanding comes in a flash of knowing.  It’s not as if Ihear words…I just get a block of thought that translates immediately.

The content of the knowing is not that important.  What does seem important is the fact that so much of what forms our early decisions about life on this planet comes when we have no language and so it translates as body feelings…visceral feelings.  We should really pay attention to what our bodies are “saying” and that’s tough in a culture that doesn’t value the mind body connection as central to our physical experience called life.

Receiving this knowing allowed me to trace the beginning of the crumby feelings and how they played out over the weekend.  Understanding the trigger and the resulting feelings helps me have confidence in myself and to even honor the whole thing.

We also live in a culture that does not give our emotional selves the importance that it is due.  It is our emotions, a result of our thoughts that tell us if we’re on track or not…it is our guidance from the part of us that is Source energy, God energy if you will.  We came here knowing we would have this guidance to help us navigate through this life.  When we feel good, we and our Source are one.  When we feel negative energy we have become pinched off a bit from our Source energy.  We can never become separated from Source but feeling pinched off is bad enough especially when felling aligned with Source feels so great!

For me it is like following the breadcrumbs home.  I can trace my feelings and thoughts back to where I began feeling pinched off and then change the vibration of the trigger.  If the trigger was an important male sort of person not calling you back when you were excited and rather expecting it (get the picture?) then I need to make peace with that person in my mind in heart. 

There are several ways to do that.  First, forgive myself for having a strong reaction.  Honor the trigger and its roots.  Then actually offer some appreciation for the event/person involved.  That appreciation for me might include becoming more loving towards myself, appreciative to the practice I’m getting finding  my way back to my Vortex of creation.  Being able to leave and come back knowing that the contrasting experience I went through helped me evolve into a more expanded self.

Once that is done, and it may take some time and maybe not, but then I can go back to feeling forward into the possibilities ahead of me and getting back into feeling at one with my Source again.

I want to get back there soon, I’m halfway there, so I can write about the Women’s Motorcycle Riders weekend in Milwaukee this past weekend.  What an amazing event!

Happy Monday, With Love, Connie

May 21st, 2010:  My 100th Entry – A New Paradigm

This is it!  100 entries today.  And I think it deserves celebrating on my part.  Celebrating a new way of looking at life.  Paradigm shift is a bit dramatic but there is a bit of that.  I’ve certainly shifted the way I look at my life.    My perception of what is real has changed.

In my journey toward feeling very much better I’ve discovered two realities…the tangible reality we all see with our eyes and touch and smell and taste and worry about and enjoy.  And the intangible reality.  Abraham (see side panel) calls this intangible reality the Vortex of Creation where all of our dreams await our energetic alignment in order to manifest.  The better we feel we can allow what we have put in our Vortex of creation to emerge. 

The smallest particle of matter is thought.  This is becoming old news.  Thought is energy and all things are energy/thought before they manifest.   Now this is immensely huge and what I have come to embrace which has allowed me ultimate freedom and feeling much more joyful.  Our current in your face reality is really past tense in larger terms.  It has already manifested.   The real current reality is what is pulsing in your Vortex of Creation, where everything you want is waiting for you.  Waiting for you to align the way you are feeling, your current vibration, with the energy of your dreams.  I like that reality and have come to place my focus and faith in that reality because that is, in fact, the real reality, if you will.

What do you feel like when you think of having your heart’s desire?  What is your heart’s desire… a life partner, perfect health, your dream house, a ton of money, endless travel, a job that brings you joy?  When you think of having it how does that feel?  Get a sense of that feeling in your body.  It feels good, doesn’t it, sometimes like joy?  So, when you match your energy to the energy of your Vortex you are allowing what is in your Vortex to manifest.

Abraham laughs and says we want what we want because we think in the having of it we will feel better.  They say that the trick of getting what you want is to feel better first and then it will manifest.  They report that a lady once said to them that she didn’t think that Abraham really cared whether or not her lover came, they just wanted her to feel better.  And they said right you are!  Because when you feel good your lover MUST come.

Speaking of lovers coming I mentioned some time ago that I got a strong wonderful impulse to enroll in Match.com.  I promised myself I would only do what I felt inspired to do and this was one of those things.  Well, minimally I’ve had fun with it.  I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it but there’s always the possiblity.  In the past month I’ve been feeling better than I have in memory, and maintaining myself more in the Vortex which has been an amazing feeling.  I got a “hit” on Match that looks promising and…time will tell but I note that it took the feeling better to come first.

Feeling better has also allowed new ideas to emerge about my future.  I’m taking a road trip to the Grand Canyon in September.  I’ve always wanted to go and I felt inspired to make plans.  The better it gets the better it gets.  I trust that living in the Vortex as much as possible will bring me better possibilities and results than I can dream up on my own.

To the Vortex!  Love, Connie

May 18th, 2010:  Focus, Focus, Focus

I’ll bet most people just looking in would think I’m talking about a camera.  And the fact is most people don’t think purposefully about what they are giving their attention to.  We just bop around and are pulled this way and that depending on what is in front of us.   It isn’t in our psyche that we should be careful about what we are taking into ourselves.  But, just like we wouldn’t give our bodies a diet of junk food, we need to pay attention to what kind of diet we are feeding our minds and our spirits.

Basically if it doesn’t feel good focus somewhere else.  Why?  Because how we feel, or how we vibrate so will we attract.  The Law of Attraction.  That which is like unto itself is drawn.  But because this just may seem like such a change from normal functioning most people don’t take this focusing thing on.  It does take effort and commitment.  And unless your life is on the line in some way it may be interesting to think about but not worth changing, literally, your view of the world.

But, and fortunately for me, my life was on the line.  I was seriously depressed after leaving my job/life for 32 years that it was either learn to focus or seriously wanting to end my life.  After hanging around with Abraham (see side panel) and Louise Hay (side panel) I believed that if I changed what I was giving my attention to then I could finally achieve the joy of being that I had always wanted. 

Over the past year I could feel myself gradually emerging.  Still, there were so many times I doubted.  Does this stuff really work?  Will I ever feel really good without crashing again and again and again?  Well, I’m here to tell you it does work.  I have never felt better in my life.  Seriously.  And I can tell the difference between “crashing” and the normal negative feelings life brings up.  Before, I had an underlying belief that I could not sustain being happy.  Maybe I thought I didn’t deserve it, that life is just pain, that this is just the way it is.  Probably a bit of all of that but I have succeeded in focusing myself into a different way of being. 

And the neat thing is that the better it gets the better it gets.  Because I’m feeling good I’m attracting great people to talk with, interesting ideas are occurring to me, I have manifested a community for myself and I am feeling  joy in just “being”.   And another great thing is that there is no ceiling on how good I can feel.  It will just keep getting better.  We are expanding beings and can choose to keep up with the expansion or not.

Actually I don’t think focusing is an either/orthing.  You might begin with not watching television newscasts.  They are the absolutely the worst sorce of bummed out feelings I can think of.  Newspapers too.  The front page.  Forget it.  It’s 95% negative…except when Obama won the election.  I liked that one.

Try developing an awareness of what you are giving your attention to and whether or not it makes you feel good or not.  And if it doesn’t, then consider choosing something else.  That’s a great start.  Just becoming aware of the fact that you have choice.

I’ll never go back.  I’m vigilant about what goes into my focus.  And I take time to purposefully focus on things that feel good.  Focusing positively can and will change your life.  Some of us don’t want to focus for fear of that change.  I get that too.

Hope your week is going well…Love, Connie

May 15th, 2010:  I BE

Hello, my name is BlahBlahBlah.  I’m from Tasmania.  What do you do?  Isn’t this the way of most conversations when you are first getting to know someone.  We try to get a bead on someone so we ask where they live and then what is it that they do?  It’s also a way to make casual conversation and grease the social cogs.  Thank God for alcohol.  Now there’s a real social lubricant.

At my Abrahamsters group last Friday evening we had a discussion about that very thing.  Since I was the new kid on the block I explained my current circumstances of journeying into my heart and finding confidence living in my own skin without any labels around me.  One woman suggested that if someone asks me what I do to just reply I BE.  I really like that but I don’t know if I will say it in just that way.

Our culture, the American culture, does not give kudos to lack of employment.  In fact all of our awards and accolades are given to people who have succeeded, meaning gotten a graduate degree while being a quadriplegic and then gone onto creating their own company and running it from a wheelchair hooked up to a respirator, all while managing being a single parent of 3 children under the age of 5 and being the foster parent of 2 special needs children.  Now that’s success.  And really I’m not far off.

Not that people cannot be genuinely inspired to do amazing things but I use the word inspired, not driven, not proving anything, not compensating…simply inspired to “do” because wild horses could not stop them from doing.  And those people are usually not in the spotlight and don’t want to be.

I consider my biggest success in life to date is finding joy in being, like sitting in my bed in the morning feeling Source energy raising my energy bit by bit until I am floating on a cloud that feels so lovely or watching a man feeding the gulls this morning by the river across the street from where I live.  The gulls were swarming and diving and it is a beautiful day here and I was sitting in the sun just soaking everything in and feeling all is well in the world.

I don’t mind saying that it has taken great courage to separate myself from the reality I perceive all around me and to follow my own path.  As I find the joy that I believed was waiting for me, or I would not have embarked on this course, I am more and more comfortable and confident with my path.  As Abraham says, the better it gets the better it gets.

Having my new community (I manifested a community) support me on my path was incredibly affirming for me.  I didn’t realize how much that support meant until the days afterward when I felt stronger within somehow.  More confident.   “When two or more are gathered together….”

I think of my friend from Sydney Australia who, at 40 something just up and quit his job as a structural engineer.  Not because he was unhappy.  He liked his job very much.  Not because he wanted another job.  Not because he wanted to live somewhere else.  But because he just wanted to, as he says, be on holiday permanently and live his faith that if he is following his heart then the Universe will take care of him.  He is one of the most loving people I know.  His face radiates joyfulness and love.  He won’t get a placque or an award for this.  His family and most of his friends think he has gone ’round the bend.  He’s my hero.  John, I love you.

And to you, with love, I BE…….Connie

May 14th, 2010:  The Abrahamsters

I fantasized about living a peaceful contemplative life of a monk in the not too distant past.  Then when my working world came to an end I longed for community, my community.  I really didn’t have another.  Small family.  No church.  No interest groups.  Estranged neighborhood.  The closest thing I’ve had to a community are the cruises I go on with the “Abrahamsters.”  (Friends of Abraham-see side panel.)

So, when I got a message that there was a Law of Attraction group in Waukesha, about 30 minutes from downtown Milwaukee, I signed on.  Tonight was my first night.  I just got home.  All I can say is I have found my people…or at least some of them.  I felt easy connection and great conversation and wonderful energy.  We meet twice a month, there are as many as 80 members and they have been a group for three years!

It was nice to go somewhere where you are reasonable assured that you will be taken in and welcomed.  I was a bit afraid to make the plunge, it disrupts my tranquil evening routine, but I knew this was important and I was ready.  For sure 6 months ago, disrupting a routine was not something I wanted to screw with…repercussions.  But now it’s time to get out there.

I feel a new energy, new interests and just things percolating on different levels.  I must remain true to my promise to myself…that whatever I do I will be inspired from the inside and not motivated from the outside.  I have vowed to live an authentic life, my own life and it may not look like any one else”s but that’s okay.  It’s mine.

So, tomorrow is Saturday and if all goes according to plan I will be going to my first bike, as in motorcycle, show of the season.  I love to bike in and be a part of the loud roar of the parking bikes and roam around looking at the bikes being shown.  There is a band, a loud band, and and lots of beer and bar-b-que.  I cannot see how anyone can take in alcohol and ride a motorcycle, especially willing to take someone on as a passenger.  The ride of death.  Lord have mercy.

So, I’m going to be in another kind of community tomorrow, but a different sort.  I may not know anyone, and still the energy can ramp up from the beauty and the noise of an amazing machine!  And everything is about the energy…doesn’t matter where it comes from.

Ride loud, ride proud!  Love, Connie

May 11th, 2010:  Is Anyone Home?

Do you know what it means to be fully present and in your body?  Have you ever been with someone who seems to have their lights on but no one is home.  A pronounced example of that is someone who is using drugs or alcohol.  They may be physically there but but no emotionally present.  Aside from that we’ve all had the experience with being with someone who clearly has their mind elsewhere.  The experience is anything from annoying to lonely to triggering an anxiety attack.

Have you ever felt absent mentally or emotionally when someone is talking to you?  Either because you are anxious about something else that has your attention or you have strong emotional issues with the person talking which prevent you from being fully present.

There are degrees of being emotionally present.  It’s not as if it’s an either or…it’s on a continuum.  Sometimes we are so used to being present in the world in a certain way that we aren’t aware of not being fully present.

I’m becoming more conscious of how I am not fully present in my life because I’m definitely finding out what it feels like to BE fully present.

More and more for me I feel fully present, fully me when I’m in the Vortex, aligned with who I truly am, feeling the source energy blending with my mental energy into one being.  According to Abraham (see side panel) that is a fully blended being.  But it is a different story when I’m with someone else.

When I was with my therapist yesterday, I had a very interesting discovery of how easily I exit from a situaltion or pull back from the present moment.  It happens easily and had mostly happened at an unconscious level.  But yesterday was a watershed moment for me because I don’t think I can ever disappear energetically from a situation so easily at an unconsious level again. 

I’m so glad I have this time off.  It does take focus to remain present.  And not that remaining present is the gold standard.  There are times when not being present may be of greater benefit.  But to have that choice is critical…to decide whether or not we are going to be present.  It does take practice being present.

This brings so much to light for me.  It explains why I need so much alone time.  I find it hard to be people and not fully present for long periods of time.  It explains why I could feel really present and then go to work and lose myself very quickly.  The moment of possible stress with another appeared, I was gone.

I love feeling present.  There is so much clarity and energy and understanding and joy and love in the moment of being present.  Being fully present with someone is the most precious gift you can give another person.

I want that in a partner and yet was afraid that I would not be able to pull it off myself.  Now that I’ve got a handle on the rascal, I think I’m closer to being the kind of person I want to be with.  And because of Law of Attraction if I can BE it I can attract it.

I must say it can take courage to be present and speak your heart.  I don’t have to do that ALL the time but I want to be able to do it if I choose to do it.

Being present requires the breath.  I breathe myself into the present moment.

With love, Connie

May 10th, 2010:  A New Frontier

I’m looking to a new territory and it seems vast from here but I’m dramatic.  I’m looking to a new way of being, a new frontier.  New in the sense of going where no Connie has ever been before.  Cue the music.

For the past few days I feel like I’ve been teetering between feeling great and feeling teary/depressed/afraid.  I know too much now to cave to the negativity and I’ve been able to focus pretty much on staying in a positive state.  Good for me.  But I’ve been having a growing feeling of being on the verge of big movement into an unknown place.  A place where I feel more expansive and free and a place where I will continue to expand in order to bring what I want into my life.   So, what’s my hesitation?  Just go Girl, go!

Going to this new place requires me to shed the skin of caring about what other people think about me.  And that may sound strange in the ears of anyone who knows me because I always have had a nonconformist streak.  But the fear of what someone may think of me is not a particularly rational one.  It is probably of preverbal origins.

This reminds me of women at the agency where I worked for 32 years.  These were women involved in the criminal justice system.  It was common for a woman to believe that her incarceration had no effect on her baby, or her drug use, or the domestic violence, had no effect on her children because they are too little to remember it.  Ouch! 

Actually the most formative years of our lives are birth to three years of age.  Those are the most critical years in terms of healthy development, hands down.  There are just some concepts and ideas and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us that are recorded deeply into what is called the reptilian brain.   It is the most primitive part of our brains and the one that records the earliest data.   One famous family therapist said we don’t respond to our family’s with any kind of logic or reasoning, we just twitch to them like reptiles.  You get the picture.

So, when I face a new Frontier of Being, breathing past some anxiety I can’t even name is in the process.  But what I know over rides any fear.  And what I know is that I can’t NOT go.  It defies who I am.  So what do I need to go to a new frontier.  I’ll need a compass, some support, great self care which primarily includes shedding the self judgements and the I can’ts.  And the new frontier feels like freedom, more freedom than I have known to date.  What I DO need to do is breathe and breathe deeply. 

With Love, Connie