April 20th, 2010:  Hold On and Ride

So for a baby recap.  I’ve been feeling really good and then more contrast which is a natural part of being alive.  You feel good and then something comes up that exhibits in negative emotion.  This last go around I was feeling SO not good yesterday that I could not help my tears.   I think the build up was cumulative.  Some funky disappointments of stupid Match.com.  Then my daughter experiencing some man related pain.  Are we sensitive in this area?  Duh.

I’ve become a bit suspect of my tears.  There is an addictive quality to them that I don’t trust on face value so when I feel like I want to cry I do ask myself if this feels like feeding the monster which has an underlying message for me that I’m defective in some way or do I simply need to let off some steam.  I’d been holding out for a couple of days but then they just came.

I woke up feeling deep wanting of an intimate relationship and community, of wanting some movement towards these things.  And the flood came and with it I could take with me further knowing of my NOT having a defect which was good.  I went back to trusting the timing of the Universe and all will be revealed in its own time.  And in between that time and this time I will focus on feeling good.  That’s the work.  And not bad work I’d say.

Today I feel great energy and if I worked at it I could mutate that into tears but I’d rather not.  I think my energy/power has frightened me in the past and I can hide in tears but today I don’t think so.  One time when a woman was doing an energy reading on me in San Diego some years ago she was rather astonished and said my energy was as if I were riding three stallions and sometimes it could be tricky to get them all going in the same direction.   I felt some resonance with this.  No wonder!!

So today I decided to ride.  I feel the energy.  It’s hard to describe energy but I feel it…like a subtle whirling internally that could pull me off my square but I’m just keeping a focus that all is well and that I’m right on track.  So far I feel really good about that.

I know that this is “my next thing” at the moment…just riding my energy and getting used to it and not feeling afraid of myself.  I know I’m vibrating at a faster rate that I was a year ago and as I stretch into the person that I’ve become I need to get used to  different aspects of me.  Whereas anxiety used to take care of much of my energy…burn it off as that emotion…I want to get used to no being afraid of the full energetic me and riding, hair in the wind, sun on my face.  Let’s go!

With Love, Connie

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