March 19th, 2010:  Waking to my Knowing

 It’s Friday and the last day of the cruise and I woke feeling sharp fear and then sadness and anger.  I don’t want to go home.  I’m afraid.  Why would I want to leave Paradise to go home to more of the unknown future?  I like this diversion.

 This has been an amazing week with Abraham.  They announced a cruise next January, a 12 day cruise in Australia and New Zealand which sounds amazing and I so want to go.

 But back to present time.  I have learned and stretched all week.  And as I feel my feelings I’m reminded of one of the people who asked Abraham a question..  He had a  “lazy” eye and flat corneas and Abraham reminded him that he had chosen that condition because he needed to learn to focus.  He had never thought of that. 

I took stock of my emotional self…the self I’m critical of, the strongly, sharply emotional self I came here with and I’m telling myself.  I chose this self, this package to come here in.  I chose this strong emotional self which I sometimes curse and sometimes revel in.  I chose this.

 And I would say I chose this so that I could now arrive at March 19, 2010 and know that I chose it so that I could more fully understand and learn to use strong guidance.  I bought the damn Ferrari, so I could learn how to drive it.  Just like I bought my Harley so I could learn to ride it…   So I didn’t want a powerful engine just to sit in the garage, I wanted to learn how to use it.  I wanted the ride it would give me…and what an amazing ride.

Something else I learned that was equally important.  I know…I mean I know.  People have been telling me for years that I’m smart, intuitive, and that I’m knowing.  On this cruise several people in response to a question I would pose just looked at me and said, “But you know. ´ Yes I do know.  And it’s something that I really want to own now…that I do know.  That I’ve always known and that I can trust that knowing and expand that knowing. 

 Knowing is a decision and one that I don’t just make once but over and over again.  Sometimes I won’t want to make it because not knowing has been comfortable…a bit of a victim stance that I take some sort of refuge in.  But I do myself a disservice in that.

And that’s what I’ve come to.  Abraham says we are so free we can choose bondage.  And my willingness to not know had been a sort of bondage.  And choosing that is just not an option I can live with for very long even if it’s attractive in the short term.

 I have one day left on the beach today.  It’s a cloudy day so far but a cloudy day at the beach in the Caribbean is better than a cloudy day in Milwaukee.

 With Love from my balcony on the Caribbean, Connie.

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