February 25th, 2010:  I am not my feelings

OMG!  Press release.  We interrupt this program…  On Tuesday after my last entry I had an epiphony in my therapist’s office.  Good place for one.  She happened to drop in the idea that feelings are not facts.  Oh, really.  Let that one just marinade in there for a minute.  Feelings are not facts.  Something internally jumped on that one and it not only stuck but began to dislodge an idea so ancient it was part of the infrastructure.  Feelings are not facts.

That evening every time I thought of that sentence I felt an internal freedom not felt before.   I wasn’t really understanding it fully but as I thought about it, I could just envision a jail cell door standing open.  I’m still sitting in the cell but I know I can walk out at any time.  My view of myself in the world was gently picked up and put down in a different place.  Paradigm shift!

Now I love a paradigm shift as much as the next gal but what goes with the territory is a “disturbance in the force”.  Let me back up a minute.    Anxiety has played a large part in my life and I think that’s enough said without Law of Attraction taking me to places I don’t want to visit.  Actually fear has been with me since my landing on the planet and has been so woven into the texture of my life and directed some way early life decisions to the extent that I don’t realize it’s still there…until I have a life crisis.

I always believed there was something intrinsically wrong with me.  God’s shit end of the stick.  Passed over.  Genetically fucked.  Pick one or come up with your own.  There are plenty of us out there.  Anxiety was so loud that I assumed that it was just a part of who I was and am, not really understanding that if anxiety is not a fact then it’s not who I am but something that I feel occasionally.  And as my life progressed it was less and less frequent.  Until crisis time.  One year ago I was frozen with anxiety as I left the agency and then at the one year anniversary, anxiety once again jumps out of the brain bushes and says, GOTCHA!

That’s when I say…”What the fuck is wrong with me!  And that’s when a good therapist says feelings aren’t facts.  I’ve got a get out of jail card free.  There is nothing wrong with me except I have a whoppingly good emotional range and sensitivity and did not get the tools to understand, navigate, care for my equipment.

You create your own reality.  I believe that and so now I’ve created another opportunity to get this vibration straightened out and I believe it’s definitely a worthy vibration to straighten out.   I had been feeling like I was going too fast internally and while much of it was good feelings, I felt I was getting tired and even thought that getting a virus might my be helpful for just an excuse to shut down for a few days.

I created that opportunity for myself with my one year anniversary replay of my life crisis.  I have been feeling “floppy”, unfocussed, tired and also very solidly hopeful on a deep level.   I’m glad I can now say, “I did that!”

With Love, Connie

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