February 23rd, 2010:  Redefining Normal

Dammit!  I want my own normal.  I believe in anniversary reactions.   That’s when you feel the same things one year later post whatever tragedy/loss you experienced.  It’s eerie the way it seems to work…like your cells have memory, and they do, and somehow when that memory gets tapped by the trigger, it’s as if your body re-experiences the feelings again of the incident. 

My daughter experienced a violent assault a few years ago and the next two years on that date were very difficult for her and for me.  After I experienced a rather serious motorcycle accident I went in to have the staples removed from the suture, oh ick, and I nearly fainted.  I’m not a fainter and it just came out of the blue.  Cells have memories.

So, I’m coming to believe that what I experienced after my Oprah taping return somehow triggered an anniversary reaction to a very scarey emotional time for me one year ago when I left the agency.  But there are always nuggests of gold to be sifted and sorted out of these experiences.

This is a chance for me to really look at how I’ve always been afraid of myself at some level…like I’m too much, too emotional, something’s wrong with my brain chemistry, too sensitive.   In short I have scared the hell out of myself at times in my life and that possibility remains lurking in my expectations, I’m convinced.

So this is a time to clean up that vibration as Abraham (see side panel) would say.  First of all I know I expect far too much of myself.  I have been on the mat at times over the past several days and I expect myself to just focus wheel myself out of the mire and I’m unable to do it at times.  I have half done focus wheels…a focus wheel grave yard…on my bed.  I was trying to make too big a leap from where I was feeling and fell through.

Then, I want to be able to look my fear when it emerges, straight on, and tell myself I’m okay, I’m not abnormal, nothing is wrong with me.  In fact this is normal for me at this moment or I would not be experiencing it.

I watched Temple Grandin on HBO this weekend and it was excellent.  Claire Danes is wonderful.  Temple Grandin is autistic and a magnificent human being.   People with autism are extremely sensitive their surroundings and they have a very different perspective of the world.  That is normal for them. 

After watching that movie I began entertain the idea that I have a very sensitive view of life and that my range of emotions is very wide and can be very loud.  Growing up in a family that didn’t express emotion gave me no role modeling for how to handle my emotions, no tools for making friends with them, no practice with acceptance.

These days of feeling afraid of myself again are a chance to love myself more with fewer conditions.  This is another key piece on the path to freedom, which I have tasted and definitely want more of.  (Dangling participle…fuck it!)

With love, Connie

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