February 19th, 2010:  Post Oprah Let Down?

We went, we saw, we loved her!  It wasn’t exactly what I would have picked to want to see…Oprah interviewed Andrew Young and his wife…you know the guy who said he was the Baby Daddy for John Edwards?  And then she interviewed the wife of the governor who went missing and turned up in Argentina visiting his soul mate.

Seeing Oprah was an out of body experience for me…I must have been rather disconnected.  I couldn’t quite believe I was there, and then in the studio and then, there she is, this woman who I have been watching as long as she has been on television.  I don’t think I could quite believe it.  Part of me was numb to it but I wasn’t aware at the time…or was I.  After the taping she looked at the audience…when she looked my way I waved at her and she waved back…that was my Oprah moment.

This morning I crashed…I’m not sure how or what or why but I haven’t felt this bad since last spring when I left the agency initially for a sabbatical before leaving officially.  I was afraid for my sanity and now with Dudie (bff dog) on my lap I just feel like I could cry the Milwaukee River up to my 8th floor perch.  I’m sure there’s a  connection with Oprah but I’m not sure what it is.  She gets to do her soul’s calling in such a magnificent way and I want to do that too?  Perhaps.  The loss of my 32 year run at Horizons which had been my life even more than I knew and now not even recognizing what it has become?    The agency I ran doesn’t exist any more.  That’s worth a chip off the brain block.

It seems as if this morning the portal opened to my pain pit and everything just came out like a geyser.  I’m trying to work this with everything I’ve written about here…ah, there’s a big thing that I haven’t done and it’s one of the first things to be done…Make peace with where you are.

Make peace with where I am.  But I don’t like where I am.  It doesn’t matter.  Actually it does matter.  It matters even more if I don’t like it.  Make peace with the messiness, the pain, the grieving, the doubting, the not knowing.  Make piece with all of it.  But how do I do that, she says.  Just start by letting it be, girlfriend.  Just let yourself be.  Okay.

With love, Connie

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