Vision Keeping

February 11, 2010:  Contrast as Power

When she felt good she felt very very good but when she felt bad she felt horrid!  This could be subtitled, Memoir of a Bi-Polar.  Or just someone who feels things very deeply.  Since this is me I prefer the latter.

There were times when I cursed my sensitivity but I’m coming around to a re-frame because guess what?  I think I’m going to be stuck with me for some years to come so I had better figure out how to put myself in a better light or my ability to create the super duper reality that I want has the self hate brakes on.

Abraham (see side bar) calls negative feelings contrast and contrast is the stuff/energy with which we create.  It occurred to me that my sometimes negative feelings have great power behind them because when I’m feeling a painful reaction to something I don’t want I automatically shoot out bolt of energy to the universe stating what I do want. 

I’ve known this but there’s the knowing and the knowing.  Levels of knowing.  I’m beginning to appreciate the negative feelings I have for their creativity.  Whether I’m aware of it or not I’m creating when I don’t feel so hot.  I’m sending out “rockets of desire” that are asking to feel better, to feel stronger, to have whatever I want that was the offshoot of the frustration…etc.

So, I’m allowing the negative feelings more without beating on myself.  Now I don’t think I will never beat on myself again…after all it’s just too much fun.  But I will have the learning that the negative emotion is a good thing.  And now that I know that I can’t pretend that I don’t know it anymore.

With Love, Connie

February 10th, 2010:  Learning to Fly

I guess I can expect some blood and maybe a broken bone…or 4.  After all when I was learning to ride my Harley Sportster 1200 custom there was blood the time I hit the chain link fence.  And then there was the time when some woman t-boned me at an intersection.  I learned to look at the tires not eyes of the driver.  And I’m still riding.  The bike and I are one now, no need to think about which hand is doing what with what foot.  God that was mind bending.

So I’m learning to fly my energetic self and it really is quite a ride.  Energy is tricky to get used to…learning to tilt it this way and that way, feel a little bit this way, shift a bit that way.  EGADS!  Don’t go over there!!  And then there’s finding that wind like the gulls do down at Lake Michigan.  They just ride the wind for the fun of it.  I can find that wave of good feelings and just ride sometimes.

And then I fall and I’m not sure how I got there and sometimes it’s easy to rise again with the next wind but sometimes nothing is moving and I just abide with me.

I want to know that I’m learning well, that I’m an excellent student.  I want to hear a reassuring voice telling me how marvelous I’m doing, how graceful I am and not to worry I will get better and better at this.

I was at an energy conference several years ago in San Diego and a woman took a picture of my aura energy.  She was rather amazed and said it was I was riding three stallions at the same time.  I told her I was a double Scorpio.  Well that explains everything!

I do know I’m learning to fly and that I’m improving and that my confidence in the pilot’s seat is growing.  And I wish I could just wad all of my doubt and fear up in a ball and kick it into oblivion.  After that I’ll pick up those twins and hold them on my lap.

Much Love, Connie

February 9th, 2010:  Being in the Snowstorm

The wind is howling.  This is what Siberia must sound like except that it’s Milwaukee.  It’s been snowing all day and is supposed to continue all night.  Dudie (bff dog) and I were snow bound in the loft along with much of the city…much of the city was not in my loft but also at home.  It’s supposed to be about 10 inches.  I took Dudie out to pee tonight and he looked at a drift that was about 1 foot deep and just stalled…he would have been in over his head or up to his eyeballs.  He gallantly lifted his wonderful little leg on the building and retreated to the door!

I’m going on about this because I haven’t spent a day to myself totally inside in months.  I had been actually too unnerved to spend that much time with myself.  I had slight flashbacks about last spring when sometimes I wasn’t able to spend the night here and if I did I left way before noon to out run the anxiety which would bear down on me.  On a day like this I can appreciate how far I’ve come.

I need to remind myself because I become so impatient with me.  My critical parent can squeek it’s jibes at me…do better…feel better…make some money…blah, blah.  I truly am committed to allowing myself to emerge in a new way without pushing and proding and to have faith that my next “calling” will emerge when the time is right and that it will be just the right thing.  I was watching Oprah today and she was interviewing some nuns from a convent outside of Detroit.  Parts of that life is appealing to me…the close sense of community…the support…the ability to live an intimate spiritual life.

I remind myself that actually what I’m doing now in living a new paradigm is the most important work I could do.  That life in the being rather than the doing is where the true power of creation lies.  Some days that’s all I need to feel better.  Some days knowing that the being is enough is still a new thing for my brains to grasp.

With Love, Connie

February 7th, 2010:  Muchas Gracias, Universe

Before I knew what had happened I felt myself falling.  It was slow motion.  I couldn’t move my feet and I was going over, down, down and bam, hit the rug.  I looked up at the dogs and my daughter sitting on the couch.  She said, “are you all right?”  I said “yes, but damn what happened?”  As I got up to sit on the couch I couldnt help but feeling like an old woman who you could blow over with a slight gust of air.  I was vertical and then on the floor.   Favorite daughter Meredith pointed out that I had bent back her laptop screen and it wouldn’t close.  Evidently I had unknowingly grabbed for something on my way down and it had been the $2,700 laptop.  Jesus!  Plus the number 9 key had come off as well.

Of course I immediately asked myself what this was about.   I create my own reality…nothing is an accident and this was really jarring.  What is being said to me?  But this wasn’t the time and Meredith was not the person to engage with on the subject.  We clearly had to get the laptop to the emergency room, and so it was.

I had been feeling rather anxious for a few days.  Frustratingly so and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  This morning I woke and had a thought that I should do a focus wheel (look to a previous entry on the how-to’s of focus wheels) on feeling more connected to my inner self, my inner Connie.  As I began doing the writing I knew right away that this was pay dirt because I was feeling  soothed right away with the idea of connecting with little Connie.  I had been doing so much focussing on understanding that the greater part of me is Source Energy and feeling powerful in that knowing that somehow I had left the physical Connie behind and was feeling unbalanced.

As I said when I began looking and focussing on loving the physical me and giving tender attention to the me inside that needed some direct attention, mothering if you will, I had a bolt of insight.  I had a vivid flashback to me falling on the floor yesterday in front of my daughter and injuring her most prescious piece of communication and I understood that it was a metaphor of my own disconnection with myself and not communicating with my own child within.   

Besides that’s sexier than feeling like a nursing home patient tripping over a dust ball in the hall way of “the home”.     And if anyone out there can connect the #9 key coming off let me know.  That one has me stumped.

I just love guidance.  At a time when I needed some affirmation that the Universe does indeed have my back, I got it.  Muchas Gracias, Universe!

With Love, Connie

February 6th, 2010:  Embracing Contrast?

Abraham (see side bar reference) calls what we do not like in our world, contrast.  They (the teachers called Abraham) say that we create from contrast and that without contrast there would be no eternity because there would be no new creations.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to spend the rest of my life on a beach but then I realize that may get boring.  In fact, I went to Tahiti last year and our guide was saying the people that lived on the remote islands who woke up to the same beauty every day without much interruption have a difficult time keeping their sanity.  They often turn to alcohol.  She said you had to be really “zen”, her word, to be able to cope with the uninterrupted sameness even if it is beautiful.

So, after having the best string of days consistently feeling a freedom I’ve never felt before, except perhaps in childhood, I’m feeling some contrast.  Contrast in my case is feeling anxious and frustrated and impatient and doubting.

I must remind myself that in these moments I am actually creating more of that which I’m wanting.  Back to Abraham again…when we are experiencing something not wanted we automatically “shoot rockets of desire” , their words, for that which we are wanting.  So, in this case, while I’m feeling anxious and frustrated, I’m creating a future in which I’m feeling much better.  So I’m constantly creating a vibrational future every day from contrast and my Source in answering by amassing this future for me in what Abraham calls “vibrational escrow” waiting for me “allow” that vibrational escrow to manifest.  That’s why when we go through bad patches in the road, when we emerge we feel better than when we began the journey. 

And it seems like the worse the situation, the better we feel when we find our way home again.  We have created that better future by vibrationally shooting it out ahead of us and then finally catching up.  We are constantly growing, expanding beings.  That is our nature.

I must remember this when I’m feeling frustrated and anxious.  I’m just creating an even better tomorrow for myself.  And it very well could be tomorrow.  At least I know I’m not wasting my time.  I’m creating for God’s sake…literally.

With love, Connie

February 4th, 2010:  It’s good to feel good!

I have to remind myself that having my #1 priority is an okay thing.  In fact, it’s more that okay, it’s the prerequisite to getting everything I want.   And, well, not to mention that I’ve wanted to feel good consistently all my life.   

So, now that I’ve had I taste of  that feeling of freedom, emotional and spiritual freedom, I want it forevermore.  It’s simply better that any high one could achieve and it’s free and it is our birthright.

On my spiritual journey over the past 35 years or so, I’ve heard that we have come here to remember who we truly are.  I believe I’m remembering because the feelings of freedom I’ve had have been so emotionally powerful that it resonates with something beyond my physical self. 

In the remembering, when I’m in that space, I absolutely know that I’m held in the arms of my Creative Source and that Creative Source runs through me and all is definitely well.

So when I’m not in that space it’s becoming more important for me to get back to what feels so deliciously wonderful for as long as I can before I’m thrown out again by irritation or disappointment.  I’m becoming more sure of my ability to be able to get back into that all-is-well space.

When I’m feeling free I’m taking in life as if I’m on a thrilling skateboard ride.  Easy does it but there’s a gusto and a movement and of course I’m in a park and Dudie (bff dog) is running happily by my side.  If I hit a bump and fall off, I’m learning to get back on and hopefully my times riding will be longer than on the ground.

One lastest Oprah note…I applied again for 7 dates in March and was turned down 5 hours later at 2:13 a.m.  Those people!  Maybe it’s just this Oprah robot.  So, I will not be denied!  I went on the website today and applied for last minute reservations for February 11th, a date for which I was first turned down.  So, if I get this reservation for February 11th I should actually get a phone call from a live Oprah person.  I think I can be cool but what if I mess myself??

With Love, Connie

February 2nd, 2010:  My Bad Phoenix Self

Yesterday really was the worst day I’ve had in a long time.  Even when I went to bed I was still feeling crappy.  This morning I felt teary, angry and blank.  Thank God it’s therapy day.  So I started to do a focus wheel.  Check back and see how to do a focus wheel in a previous entry.  I swear by them.  I began writing and I remembered that when I was feeling so wonderful and free last week I really do think that this is the way we intended to feel.  I truly believe that freedom and joy are our natural states but we get pulled away so early in life by the people around us who want us to make them happy.  I thought about the strength of all of us who agree to come here to this wonderful planet and we all endure being pulled away from who we are and how strong we all are to come and to journey.

Perhaps in another 100 years our parenting and schools will be more tune with the individual needs of each tiny being and that they are not here to make us happy nor should we expect them to conform to so many external expectations.  But I digress…

This morning I was just thinking about the strength of spirit and then I remembered that the greater part of me is non-physical energy, Source energy, with some of that energy focused in the physical body that is me.  I got a sense of my strength and it resonated in me that this strength and power is the God Force in me.  When I allowed that to settle in I felt SO GOOD!  Any sense of doubt about my path, my worthiness evaporated.  Gone!  And I felt great all day.

Plus, I put in for more Oprah tickets.  If you remember I put in for Oprah tickets a couple of weeks ago only to get them, fuck up and lose them.  So I’m on this ticket thing like white on rice.  I have a good feeling.  I am God Force after all.  I’ll nail those babies.  I barely saw the notice…those ticket people are sneeky.  There was just this little blip and only a few hours to respond!  Sneeky.  I should know soon. 

Remember feeling good is your most important job in creating the life you want!

With love, Connie

February 1st, 2010:  Tantrum time

I just got back from a long walk with my Dudie (bff dog).   I thought it might do me some good.   I don’t feel good today.  After feeling like I had found the keys to the kingdom I’m experience grief and anger.  And I’m angry that I’m having those feelings.  GO AWAY.  I’m sick of you.  I want the good stuff back.  As I write I’m picturing me lying on the concrete floor of my loft kicking my arms and legs in a full blown tantrum.  I DON’T WANT THIS, I yell.  BRING ME WHAT I FELT LAST WEEK!  NOW!!  And then, of course, I begin to doubt that my path will unfold, that I will indeed have my heart’s desire, blah, blah, blah just kill me now.

I don’t want to waste one more minute of my life on feeling crappy.   Time is a wastin’.  And then I must remind myself a bunch of stuff which I’m not sure I even want to remind myself of at the present moment.  I’m into the tantrum.  But after an internal check I’m not so invested in my tantrum that I can’t do some reminding so here goes…grrrrrrrrr.

• These feelings won’t last forever.  They haven’t yet and I’m 63.  If I’ve felt REALLY good I can feel just as good again because I cannot become less than who I am.
• I always learn something important which ultimately causes me to bless the tantrum.  I can only learn if I let go of my anger at myself for feeling bad.
• My feelings shift more quickly when I can fully embrace them even when I don’t like them.  Relax into the feeling and b r e a t h e.

I think the fear is that if I relax into my feelings and truly accept them then they will hang around…like the neighbor’s house when you were young with the cool parents.  Kids like to come and hang out.  I’m not wanting these kids to hang out.

But that hasn’t been my experience.  I have to trust my Inner Being who wants better for me and with a bit of help from me will gladly show me the way out when I’m not so fiercely hanging on.

I’ll keep you posted.

With Love, Connie