January 19th, 2010:  Focus on What is Wanted

I don’t know what I would have done these past months to get me to a better feeling place if I hadn’t used the focus wheel daily.  It’s still how I begin each day and remains a central way I use to ramp of energy to a feel good place or to change my feelings to a better feeling place.

If you are feeling depressed using the focus wheel is not about feeling great but it is about experiencing some relief and once you have the experience of having a bit of control that can be a big deal if it has not seemed to you that you have control over the way you feel.  Learning to change the way you feel is a powerful tool and can feel liberating as well.

Each subject is really two subjects, that which is wanted and that which is not wanted.  So if  you are not feeling good and would like to feel better it is crucial to first identify the feeling and what the feeling is about. 

For example I notice after I have just had lunch with my daughter that I’m feeling a bit anxious.   I connect my anxiety with worrying about my daughter not having enough money, not seeming to be taking good care of the money she has and not  feeling happy with her current situation.   So then I’m worried if she is going to get herself “launched” and be self supporting.  And I wonder if I somehow messed up my job as mother by not teaching her better  about money management.   You get the picture and it is a real one for me.

I can do a focus wheel to get myself to a better feeling place.  The most important part of the exercise is to identify what you are feeling and why.  Then figure out how you want to feel instead.  Remember, you are not fixing the situation.  You are only wanting to feel better about what is.  

Take a blank piece of paper, printer copier paper is excellent and using the paper horizontally  draw a 3-4 inch circle in the middle.  Inside the circle write what is wanted.  In this case what I write is “I know that Meredith (daughter) can find her way in the world and that she is very talented and I’m very proud of her. ”

There are any number of things that could go into this center circle but the important thing is to write what is wanted and what you actually have control over and this is your feelings.  

Next make a line from the center of the circle straight up to a 1 o’clock position and at 1 o’clock write what you are actually feeling now.   Like, “I’m worried that Meredith is never going to be able to support herself and be happy and I’ve failed as a Mother”…or something like that, whatever fits.  Then draw a line to 2 o’clock and write something that feels just a little better.  The crucial thing here is that it really has to ring true to you and really feel better.   Something like, “I have had this feeling before and the situation with Meredith will change and we will both feel better.”  Now that is true and I’ve found just a bit of relief. 

Then, draw a line to 3 o’clock and write something which will inch you up the emotional ladder a bit more.  Like, “She doesn’t handle her money like I do but she is a responsible person and she has done pretty well for herself so far.”  Then I draw another line to 4 o’clock and inch a bit further with “I know she is a very talented young woman and will find herself because she wants that for herself even more that I want it for her and I know she will do just that.”   And so on. 

Your sheet will look like a sunburst clock with better and better feeling statements around the outside of the wheel as you inch yourself forward.   My last statement may look something like, “I feel really good now and I know that as her mother to feel good myself is the very best that I can do to help her as well as hold her in the light that I truly see her, a bright spirit who is on her way to discovering who she is.

I hope this is helpful.  It takes practice.  Leave me a comment or question and I will do my best to answer.  In my next entry I will give you another example, a wheel that I do every day for myself when I wake in the morning.

With Love, Connie

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