January 6, 2010:  The Catch In Praise

Today, for the first time in a long time, I woke up feeling good.  I don’t know yet if it will be a trend but I took note.  Frankly I’d like to get to the place of not caring how I wake up because of the judgement involved.

When I was in graduate school a hundred years ago there was an article I read by this kick ass social worker in the 1920’s.  The article was entitled “The Catch In Praise.”  I think I always will remember that article because I loved the title and because of the message.  There is a catch in praise.  If I am so pleased with myself for not waking up feeling crappy does that mean that I don’t like me when I can’t wake up in a good mood?  Am I less than when I wake in a good mood.  If I praise my daughter for doing something well, does she feel badly about herself when she cannot do well?

I spent a lot of time learning to be tender, loving and compassionate with myself when I was feeling like darkness had overtaken me and I don’t want to recind that now.  So it’ was nice to feel good this morning but when I wake up feeling otherwise I learn a great deal about me.  I want to fully and lovingly accept me in any shape or mood because if I can’t I just double the pain as well as miss out on the teaching.

I learned up close and personal about how we get separated from who we are by watching my daughter’s grandparents parent her.  My mother, the Queen of Shame, when observing Meredith in a less than charming mood would say in a critical tone, “You don’t want to ruin everyone’s day do you?”  Jesus, that’s a lot to lay on a 3 year old, the destiny of three grown-ups.

Her father’s mother had a different version of that.  When perfect grandaughter would be in a crappy mood Grandma would say, “Where’s my Meredith?  Where did she go?”  As if she is a one dimensional person who became obliterated with a change in mood. 

Of course in both situations I did intervene in order to tell the kid that she’s okay just the way she is.

It’s so much easier to not judge our feelings but just let it be.  Such a simple concept and so difficult for me to learn until my healing depended upon it.  I can remember being about 23 in my first therapist’s office.  She gave me a poster for my birthday that said, “Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits.”  Because I loved her so much and this was of course tangible proof of her love for me I had it framed and it hung on my wall for years even though I didn’t really get what it meant.

I think I was close to 50 to really understand it and then a few years more to be able to do it.

With Love, Connie

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