Vision Keeping

December 13, 2009:  Creating on Purpose of by Default

 We are all creating our lives all of the time.  There as a wonderful book and a movie with the same title, “What the Ble@P Do We Know?”  The authors explain how this is scientifically so and I can’t recommend them enough.

 The crucial point here is to become aware of our thoughts and feelings so that we can consciously create rather than create by default.

 Creating by default is what most of us do when we wake up in the morning and just run from one thing to the next and at the end of the day wonder what we have accomplished and wonder sometimes if this is all there is.  Creating by default is getting what you’ve got but not knowing how you got it.  Luck?  Hard work?  It’s more than that.  It’s your expectations and beliefs about what you will get.

Your beliefs about who you are, what you deserve or don’t deserve, what you want and what you focus upon drive outcomes.  It was really interesting working with women who were involved in the criminal justice system.  I asked them what they did not like about their present lives.  Most of them talked about having probation officers, having no money, not being with their children, dealing with addiction.

 When we began with each not wanted thing and asking them how it is currently serving them in some way and what negative beliefs they have about themselves that support their current circumstances, it is often an extremely revealing experience for them.

 It is very empowering to know you have control over your life in ways you never dreamed of.  It truly provides hope for an exciting future and ways to attain your heart’s desire.

 To help me more consciously create I think about my intentions for the day every morning and write them down.  Like I want an uplifting meeting or I want to allow my feelings without judgment, or I want to appreciate what I’m experiencing and look for positive things to focus upon, or I want something fun to happen.  I think about each thing and write it down and then think about why I want it.  Thinking about the why’s adds the creative “punch” to the thought energy.

Doing this has changed my life.  During the day I continue to do intentions.  Abraham (www.abraham-hicks.com) calls this segment intending.  I get in my car or on my motor cycle and ask for safety, I ask for parking spaces.  Asking for parking spaces is fun and produces tangible results.  Of course the key is that you must believe that the parking space you envision will absolutely be there and remember it takes 17 seconds to create a potent thought.

 At night I look again at my day’s intentions and journal about what I appreciated during the day and what I would like during the night like a good nights sleep and sexy dreams, or whatever and how I want to begin the next day.

 Becoming a conscious creator takes knowing your intentions and becoming aware of what you are focusing upon.  I decided years ago that TV news and even the newspapers were far too negative to give my attention to.  I love an interview with Bette Midler that was done years ago.  She said she never watched news on television because every time she did she had to go lie down!

 Focus on what feels good to you!

 With love, Connie

December 11, 2009:  Creating my own reality can suck!

 If we create our own reality that must make us pretty powerful.  Marianne Williamson says, “We are not afraid that we are powerless.  We are afraid of how powerful we really are.”

 There is also this saying along that like that says, “Be careful what you wish for.”  Along that line we get what we focus upon.  According to Abraham (www.abraham-hicks.com) it takes about 17 seconds to create a thought powerful enough to begin the creation process.  Remember Law of Attraction:  That which is like unto itself is drawn.  In other words, you get what you believe.  If you believe that life and people are basically good you are probably an optimist and notice the good things around you and that your cup is half full.  If you believe that somehow you were born on the crap end of God’s stick then you are more likely to be pessimistic and tend to be drawn to what is going wrong.  Your cup is definitely half empty.

 The majority of the women I worked with in the criminal justice system definitely believe they missed any sort of blessing from God, do not feel worthy of success and keep validating their personal truth with criminal behavior, while at the same time feeling victimized

 In fact their beliefs of personal lack are so strong that they are most vulnerable for relapse when they begin to do well.  Receiving what they want goes so against their personal beliefs that they must screw up to feel like themselves again.

 Most of us do something similar.  We have that old ugly overcoat of pain and ugliness that we can slip into from time to time.  It feels awful but strangely familiar in a way that is validating.  And it doesn’t lead to us going to jail.

 I have a deep belief that my personal needs will not be met by the world around me.  That triggers a need to control people and conditions so I can be safe.  I was reminded about my personal power and my negative beliefs in my battle with Walgreen’s vs. my insurance carrier.

 I gave Walgreen’s a prescription for something that was definitely necessary to my well being and feeling particularly vulnerable adds to the mix.  Day number one Walgreens said my insurance would not cover the medication even though I had been receiving it from another pharmacy.  Then there was day two and calls to Walgreens and my physician.  Then day three, and day four pass.  By day five my anxiety and rage were through the roof.  Doesn’t anyone hear me?  What about me?  I felt so victimized and jerked around.

 Wait a minute!  It dawns on me.  I create my own reality.  You mean I created this shit?   Yes I did.  I was in a dance with Law of Attraction.  Even my doctor said, “I can’t believe this.  This never has happened to me.”  Actually, when I thought about it that made me rather proud.  Yes, I bad!  The light bulb went on.

I do not believe that if I ask for those really, really important things that the world around me sees me or cares, particularly insurance companies or doctors, or pharmacies.  Bingo!

In that moment my energy shifted from not believing I would get the prescription to believing that it would come that day…and it did.

 That’s powerful and we are all involved in this co-creative process.

 With love, Connie

December 9, 2009:   Wanting too much?

 No two orgasms are the same.  Just like the snowflake thing.  And no two days are alike either.  That’s because we are energetic, vibrational beings who are constantly changing and expanding.

 When I’ve begun feeling good after a low period, I’m so glad because I’m feeling good.  And it seems that by the time I’m really noticing I’m feeling good I begin to feel a creeping feeling of watching for the down hill slide.  When is the other shoe going to fall and I’ll feel crappy again?  And because of my beliefs that this will happen and inevitably does, I curse my defectiveness at some level.

 But now that I have all of this daunting time on my hand and I have the luxury of being curious.  For the past several days I’ve noticed an upward swing and less morning drama.  I got my Tibbie (stuffed animal), new medication, and along with the emotional work I’ve done I believe I just may be on the upswing.

Then I wake up and feel the old fear and tears and I’m saying, what the hell is this?  I’m so frustrated with this.  Even though I know better I want to yell at myself and say, “What the hell is wrong with you.”

But wait.   I want to get curious and verbally abusing myself has never been particularly helpful.  I don’t need to be the embodiment of another critical mother.  I want to do better.

And then I receive the guidance with the thought that I have achieved, in part, what I had been asking for…feeling better, having some direction.  So now what?

And that’s it.  There’s the trigger.  I’m asking again.  I’m wanting more.  I’m wanting the next step and I don’t know what it is.  Is it all right to want?  Do I deserve more?

 So what if all of those times that I was feeling good and waiting for the other shoe to fall can be reframed into a natural receiving of what I’ve asked for and wanting something more.  Something more to think about, something more to grow into.   It’s the natural expansion of myself.

 A wise teacher told me, “Get what you ask for and shout for more.”  The more may be a new question, a new opportunity to have compassion for the unfolding of the process. 

 But I will say “yes” to asking for more.  Bring it!

 With Love, Connie

I feel like a squirrel preparing for winter.  As the days shorten, and it’s more and more cloudy and rainy I can no longer find some release and freedom being outdoors and riding my Harley-Davidson regularly.  It’s difficult to be depressed while flying through the wind and feeling like tough shit on the bike.

What will I do when I’m socked in with snow and cold and wading around in dirty slush outside?  Alcoholism is not on my list of activities but I can see why it is a problem in Iceland. 

 The blog is satisfying and something to which I’m committed but clearly is not enough.  On line dating!  There’s a scarey thought and a remote possibility.  I don’t believe I’m ready yet for that and the Law of Attraction would probably bring me someone who is unemployed and depressed.  I’m really wanting a wealthy, attractive man looking for a traveling companion.  He pays, of course.

 Something I plan on doing is polish a draft of a curriculum I have written.  Over the past three years I’ve been developing a curriculum entitled Awake and Inspired:  Creating the Life You Want.  I have used it with the staff in my former agency and then began teaching it to our consumers, women in the criminal justice system.

 It teaches the basics of how we create our own reality and practical how-to’s for getting on the journey.  For those who are ready it can be literally life changing as it was for me.  It can also just offer some practical help in feeling better.

My future may include using this curriculum in some way.  I’m already using its ideas and beliefs in this blog.   Because both the blog and the curriculum are coming from an internal place of inspiration, I am willing to allow the Universe to direct me as to their use and I’m feeling patient.

With Love, Connie

December 4, 2009:  Motivation vs. Inspiration

 Our culture is so action oriented.  We give awards and monuments to those who have done the most and to those who have literally died trying.  Somehow we have equated actions with results as in the greater the action, the greater the result.  So, we almost feel superior if our calendars are crammed and we have no time for anything.

 I’ve come to believe very differently and at the heart of this is the difference between inspiration and motivation.

 I believe that we have simply have forgotten how to live well.  Somehow living has gotten all mixed up with production.  It’s those people who have had an encounter with terminal illness or experienced some other life jarring trauma that tell us to slow down and take time to love and appreciate all that we have.

 We say we must do that and it does sound good but we only learn by doing and by experience.

 I thought I was living pretty close to the heartbeat of things…until I found myself unemployed and flat on the mat.  I did not realize how much of my identity and self worth were tied to being Executive Director and how much of me was identified with the agency where spent half of my life.  I was loving myself conditionally.

 And through the process of encountering myself in the stillness of my time, I’m learning to love myself more deeply.  I’m also loving the people around me more fully.  I’m finding my loved ones and even strangers more poignant, amusing, dear.  In learning to love me I can see others more clearly with eyes of love as well.

 I promised myself I would not abandon me to the push to find a new job.  I promised myself I would not be motivated by fear.  I would not squander this amazing opportunity by compromising my beliefs

 I promised myself I would act out of inspiration and not motivation.  Motivation may pump you up momentarily and it comes usually from an external source – an advertisement, a book, a “motivational speaker”, an idea from a friend, a New Year’s resolution.  But when we act out of motivation on really important things we are most likely going to fail when the motivation wears off, and motivation usually wears off.

Inspiration, on the other hand, comes from within.  It is spirit whispering to us or shouting at us in some cases and we simply feel the call to respond.  Motivation can feel like pushing ahead.  Inspiration feels like we have to act and the action does not feel difficult, it just flows from the inspiration.  It is the soul’s calling.

 And we can trust inspiration.  Motivation can be fickle, a slick salesman.

 So I’m committed to acting out of inspiration for my next steps and so far so good!

 With Love, Connie

December 3, 2009:  Just do the next thing

 Change your thoughts and you change your life.  This is Louise Hay’s mantra.  I found Louise Hay nearly 3 years ago.  I was on a personal retreat and in a bookstore her face was staring at me and I was taken in.  At that point in my life I believed I had totally tapped out therapy…no more rocks to look under and Louise suggested that I could re program my brain which sounded utterly reasonable to me.

 Louise is also the Queen Mother of affirmations which up to that point I thought were rather too simplistic or something but I was up against an emotional wall and ready to try anything.  So I began my brain reprogramming and one of my first affirmations was “I release all fear and know that I’m am safe in the Universe.”  I must have said this hundreds of times.  Like a soldier in a fox hole waiting for a bomb to drop and saying the Hail Mary, I said this literally night and day for days on end and I began to see results.  I was SOLD.  Louise, please adopt me and take me to your home.  I will do your laundry.

 Louise also says that all you have to do is “the next thing”.  All you have to do is what is right in front of you.  So when I become overwhelmed with life which doesn’t take much- checking email and making 2 business calls, and today having the Walgreens tell me that my insurance had been cut off can easily push me to the edge – and then I begin thinking of what I will be doing or should be doing, or should I sign another lease or how am I going to support myself a year from now, I remember.  Just do the next thing.

 I do believe that my life can and will unfold for me in amazing ways if I can just get out of my own way.

 Looking back on my life everything looks finely orchestrated with the right people the right jobs, the right connections all at the right time.  Now that I have the knowledge base that shows me how this is truly my creation and how things really work, why would I stop believing at this point?

The Universe has my back.  I can so easily forget or doubt that.

 Doing this blog at one time seemed overwhelming to me.  I’m technophobic for God’s sake.  I’m afraid of my laptop and secretly think it stays on “stand by” plotting against me, figuring out how it can totally piss me off and reduce me to impotence as a human being.

 And I want to do a blog?  How the hell is that going to happen?

 But then dear Louise is in my mind saying, “just do the next thing” and so I did.  I talked with my village who didn’t think I was nuts, we played with names, I did a google search, I began writing.  All of this was over a span of weeks, just doing the next thing when it felt right, listening internally for timing, not pushing.

I did the next thing and the blog is up and I’m enjoying it as well.  It’s given me a way to focus more clearly and that helps the creative process.  I’m thrilled if anyone finds this even remotely interesting or even helpful.  It’s helping me.

 With Love, Connie

December 1, 2009:  Ask and it is given…again

Back to this again but it says so much.  Asking implies a need.  How afraid I am at times to need!  I believe we are pretty much all running around trying somehow to avoid needing so we consume things until we have self storage units.  Self storage units when what we are trying to satisfy is the hunger inside of us for love and connection.  And that love and connection is not needed from other people.  It is a hunger for love and connection we seek with our own souls.

 That soft spot inside that will sometimes rather self destruct rather than ask.  And this is the conundrum.  The busier we are organizing our lives around consumption to fill an emptiness or to fill a perceived wanting from our children, the bigger the hunger inside of us gets.  It’s saying, “wrong way, wrong way.”

 I have gone to great lengths over my life to avoid asking and to even avoiding the need that would prompt any asking.  Much of this was unconscious.   Just stay busy, take medication, (which I am not opposed to) shop, talk, read, watch TV., keep those head phones on, those cell phones glued to your head.   Just distract, distract, distract.  That’s a good thing, isn’t it?  Wouldn’t want to feel anything that might be messy or, God forbid, unproductive.

 All to avoid making that step from my soft spot in the heart to yours.  It can be a frightening thing to contemplate.  So the easiest thing is to just not listen to the asking that’s going on from inside.

But I’ve cornered myself in a way.  After decades of tears I think I just may be understanding the persistence of the asking.  That’s the beautiful thing about the soul.  It will not cease the asking.  It just does not give up until the asking is heard, until the call of the soul is answered.

 And so, in that vein, I blurted out to my therapist yesterday very quickly lest I lose my nerve, “I want you to buy me a stuffed animal.”  Jesus, hide me now!

 She was delighted, and immediately pulled out a wonderful bear off of her shelf.  I had not seen this bear but he was obviously waiting for me and now I have Tibbie.  I informed Dudie (bff dog) that he is Mommy’s bear and not a chew toy. 

 I woke up the next morning with Tibbie in my arms and for the first time in months I had no fear.  I asked for him on behalf of the part of me that was too little to know that when Mommy leaves the room and you can’t see her, that she still is there.  What a relief to know she is still there.

 As difficult as it was to ask and as vulnerable that picture of me appears, I swear that this time the gloves are off.  No more hiding, avoiding, running from myself.  My life is on the line here.  No apologies.  Not any more.

 With Love, Connie