Vision Keeping

December 30th, 2009:  Making Peace With Where I Am

Patience is not a virtue of mine.  That has been a strength and a challenge.  Having a child rounded some impatient edges.  It was either that or go to prison for child abuse.  Being impatient was sometimes good while being an executive director of an agency.  I could facilitate getting things done NOW if that was needed.  But in retrospect the getting things done NOW was probably my sometimes desperate attempt to give myself the illusion of control in a system with far to many moving parts to have any kind of control.

So, it’s nearly 2010 and while I’ve come a long way since last summer and I have begun this tome which has helped me (and I hope someone out there too) and I know 2010 will be amazing but I would like more evidence of things to come, evidence of things unseen.

I was listening to Abraham (see side bar) on a CD this morning and was reminded that if I’m not where I want to be it’s because of my own resistance, my resistant vibration.  Sometimes, like now, I can actually feel the resistance and it feels like I’m not ready yet for whatever and that I am, actually, doing the most I can for myself right now.  But is it enough?

And that is where I get in my own way because of course it is enough or I would not be here.  Of course it is enough because it’s all that I have.  And I am also reminded by my teachers that in order to release resistance I must make peace with where I am.   When I make peace with where I am I’m in a position to allow the next step.  If I’m not at peace with where I am I’m in a state of vibrational resistance, a wad.  I’m not going anywhere but wadding.  And that’s how it feels…wadding.

One way to make peace with where I am is to make a list of positive aspects of where I am and all that I have done.  That is very powerful and I will do that tonight.  Just get your journal or a piece of paper and list everything positive about your present reality and then make a list of everything you have done in a past specified block of time that is positive.  It may take a while but I promise you the lists are there.  Positive aspects are always relative.  A positive aspect for me may not be what would work for someone else.  Depending on one’s state of mind a positive aspect would be that I got out of bed.  For someone else it may mean I took a trip.  It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s what it feels like and that is a very individual thing.

I need to remind myself over and over and over to make peace, make peace, make peace and it’s well worth the reminder because every time I do it, I feel better, the wad relaxes, and energy flows.

With Love, Connie

December 29th, 2009:  Deliberate Creation

For 60 years I lived in a  reality that says that what is all around us, that solid, tangible stuff that looks so real, is all there is.  I remember in my early adulthood in the 60’s and 70’s that the Buddhist’s believe that life is an illusion.  At some level that had some credence for me but I could not elaborate.

Then along come people like Louise Hay and the teachers called Abraham just to mention a few who say that we are energetic beings.  Quantum physics explains that the smallest molecule of matter is thought and your thoughts can change matter.  Now this is getting really interesting.

There was a Japanese Scientist, I believe, who did a very important experiment with water.  He set up several separate, large vats of water all from the same source and labeled them with different emotions like anger, joy, etc. and placed these vats in a public place.  After a period of time the water was examined and the molecular structure in the separate vats had changed after their exposure to thousands of people looking at the emotional labels on the water.

Think of the implications for humans.  We are roughly 80% water or somewhere close to that.  We tend to allow circumstances around us dictate how we feel and not think too much about it.   And this allowing of ourselves to be pulled this way and that way because of outside circumstances in turn drives our “creating by default”.

Our thoughts create our reality and since I’ve come to know that I’ve also come to appreciate my ability to focus my thoughts where I want them to be…where I can feel the best.  And when I don’t feel good, I can reach for a better feeling thought that allows me to feel better.

Knowing we’re vibrational has also given me a much more fluid and changing feeling about our so-called reality.   Just because something is “real” doesn’t mean it deserves my attention.  Just because it’s real, it need not infringe on me unless I give my attention to it.  And just because what I’m feeling in the present moment isn’t so hot does not mean that it won’t change in the next hour, minute.

So, every morning of trying to get some traction emotionally I look for a better feeling thought and ask for Guidance.  This morning I was reminded that we are Source energy and we have chosen to put this energy into physical form on this planet for awhile.  I thought about my mother who made her transition back to non physical in 2004 at the age of 94 and a close friend of mine who made his transition at the age of 33 just two years ago.

Their energy is available to me.  Just because someone has passed on does not mean they are gone…indeed they can be more fully present in energy form…if one can allow that energy.  So I thought of my mother and my friend in their purest non-physical form which is love and I imagined them close to me and relaxed into that thought and those feelings and I felt an expansion and a comfort that was very helpful.  And I want to continue to explore this connection. 

We all have this resource available to us.  I need it now.

With Love, Connie

December 27^th, 2009:  Loving the Drama

 I’m experiencing  post Christmas let down.  I swore I had evolved to a better space that didn’t rely so heavily on outside conditions to keep me feeling good but then, splat!  That’s probably too dramatic and I’m getting my post Christmas bearings.

 I love the feeling of the positive energy at Christmas.  There is a certain drama about it and  Abraham (see side bar) says we love drama and that is certainly true in my experience.  And think about it.  Drama sells a lot of newspapers.  In fact drama drives our entire news media.  Those news clips can be funny if you or your family are not involved…i.e. “Don’t let an escalator be your stairway to death.”  Someone got clothes caught.  Or, “will tomorrow’s weather ruin you weekend plans?”   And on and on and on.

 I believe we have a need to have drama in our lives because we need to express the “bigness” of our spirits.  We need some way to mirror our personal power in a way that feels satisfying.

 If we had not been systematically trained away from who we truly are perhaps we would not have the pressing need to project our own power onto the world around us.    Everywhere we look something or someone is telling us  the world is so big and so powerful and we are so little and could get squashed at any second.

 Now if we can just differentiate between positive and negative drama.  There is drama fueled by fear and drama fueled by love.

 Since we create our own reality and the Law of Attraction will bring us more of what we focus upon, I vote for positive drama.

 Is positive drama an oxymoron?  If so, I’m redefining drama as that which expresses the expansiveness of who I am in a way that feels uplifting not only to me but to everyone around me.

 There have been two excellent examples of positive drama in two films recently.  Films which stretch us to who we truly are.  The first is Whip It, a wonderful film about a girl finding her unique sense of self and how her family must also stretch to love and accommodate this new identity. 

 The second is Invictus, a story of Nelson Mandela and how a white identified rugby team helps unite a country.  I wish more films could uplift us like that and to help us become more of who we are.

 So in my post Christmas mornings I’m reminded to create positive drama for myself, to imagine myself down the road living out my dreams and feeling what that will feel like right now.  Create the vibration within that feels like the future manifestation and then enjoy the journey watching Law of Attraction bringing it to me.

 This is not a one time event.  It’s a constant remembering to stretch into, move into that which I have become.  It really does feel good.

Happy Becoming.    

With Love,    Connie

December 24, 2009:  The Gift to Myself

I’ve begun to look forward to mornings knowing that I’m connecting with my Source, my Higher Power, the God within.  I’m amazed that my tears bring me home.

 As a child I was spiritually abused.  This was 1950’s Kansas with the “Preacher” yelling at us that we were all ugly worms, basically, and crawling ultimately and surely into the fires of hell.   I’m not kidding…one of the hymns has “for such a worm as I” in the song.  Only a small number of people went to heaven and even at 7 years old I definitely knew that I was not one of those people.  I hated being in church and I knew I was not going to heaven because I just wasn’t buying all of it and so my only option was hell.  I was terrified of dying.

One Sunday Mr. Preacher was vividly describing what it was like to literally burn alive.  He gave us a graphic blow by blow of the pain and what happens to your body and that this would go on for eternity.  Something frightened me and I remember yelling out in fear.  The congregation laughed but I just felt deep shame.

 And I was supposed to love this God who was surely damning me as I sat there because I knew I did not “believe”.  Loving God was an oxymoron for so many years.

 So now as I look forward to my morning connection with Source/God that is so immense and so loving that my human mind cannot grasp it, I fully know that God is love.  Any hell is our own disconnection with that love.

When my daughter was a toddler and in daycare I’d drop her off in the morning and she would cry when I left.  I knew that would not last long.   At the end of the day I so looked forward to picking her up.  But when I showed up for the loving reunion she ran away from me not wanting to go with me and sometimes becoming quite angry and teary when we finally got to the car.

I gained understanding about this from attachment theory in action.   For her to become close to me again, for her to be able to fully attach to me again, she had to go back through that doorway of pain through which she had left me.

I realize that my persistent morning tears now are the doorway back to my reunion with my Creative Source.  I feel it in my bones.  It’s a part of the homecoming.

 So, let the tears flow.  I’m Home.  What a great Christmas present to myself

 Peace and Blessings, Connie

December 23, 2009:  Finding the Way to Feeling Good

 Feeling good is my primary job now and I have the luxury to truly focus on that because, frankly, training the brain into a different paradigm is a challenge.  Sometimes attempting to focus on what feels good does not feel good because our dominant vibration wants to prevail.  We haven’t been taught to focus and we usually allow what is going on around us to dictate how we feel and that brings us more of what is going on around us which dictates how we feel which draws more of what is going on around us…you get the picture.  Law of Attraction in action.

Case in point…today I feel good…doing my journaling, etc,.  Doing a good job launching myself into a new day feeling enthusiastic you could say.  Even Walgreen’s saying that my insurance company denied my prescription for a generic only mildly interrupted my mojo.

Then a good friend calls me and has to reschedule a meeting time from today until Monday and the parade came to a screeching halt.  Monday is nearly next year!   What about today?  Now I love this friend.   He’s been with me through thick and quite a bit of thin over the summer. 

 My dominant vibration switched from parade mojo to rejected wallflower which is a very tried and true vibration.   Maybe he’s tired of my ass.  Maybe he’s really not busy but just needed an excuse to not see me.  We have been seeing a lot of one another.  He’s so sweet he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.   The stick poked through the balloon and I was dobbing my eyes.

 But I know too much now to keep myself there.  Constance, Dear One, I say to myself.  You are allowing old insecurities to take over.  You are not a pathetic loser friend and you can find the good feelings again and so here I am and I do feel better.  But I had to really focus on a better feeling thought.

 When I feel good I run into interesting people.  When I’m feeling good I get the green lights.  When I’m feeling good I can find the parking place I need.  When I feel good the check out line goes faster.  When I feel good traffic doesn’t bother me.  And most of all when I feel good I’m allowing the universe to deliver to me what I am wanting. 

 When I’m feeling good I become more of a vibrational match to what it is that I am wanting and so I’m allowing the Law of Attraction to bring it to me.  If I’m cranky I’m not a match to what I want.  If I’m angry I’m not a match to what I want.

 And so feeling good is not only just a better way to be in the world because it feels good to feel good,  it’s the way to everything we want.  It brings the saying that we are our own worst enemy to a whole new level.

 Peace and Blessings, Connie

December 22, 2009:  Be the Change you Want to See

 I think Gandhi or someone equally grand, said be the change you want to see.  That has new meaning for me now.

 According to the teachers called Abraham (see my blog site for more information) the creative process involves three steps.  The first step is to ask for what we want and we do this all day long both consciously and unconsciously.  For example we can daydream or consciously envision what is wanted or we can unconsciously ask by being flipped off in traffic and we automatically want other drivers to be more courteous.  At any rate the asking is a vibrational asking.

 The second step is where the Universe, Law of Attraction steps in and arranges everything we want vibrationally…like a vibrational escrow account for us.  And this brings us to step three which is the allowing of what we want to manifest in our lives.

 Step three, allowing, is where we get hung up for the most part.  We believe that in order for us to get what we want we have to MAKE it happen rather than trust the Universe to simply bring it to us.

 Example:  I’m in the process of getting my family’s health insurance transferred.  What an opportunity for a clusterfuck!  And I was experiencing them left and right.  Papers weren’t being sent, checks were lost, etc. and I knew that I was a player in all of that because I was feeling so vulnerable and also feeling like the world didn’t give a flying fuck about me. 

In the last week or so I began to feel a shift.  My energy is more positive.  I have a knowing now that my life is moving to something that I want.  So, when I call the health care benefits people today to ask about our insurance, the nice lady on the other end says, can you hold while I make a call and I say sure.  She comes back and says, wait an hour while your insurance company can reboot its system and you will have valid insurance.  That’s great because I need to go to Walgreens.

 Now this may be small to some but I know because my energy is aligned more positively with actually getting the insurance that it must come.  That is the Law of Attraction.

 Everything we want is imagined first.  What we want is first an idea and then as we see ourselves as having or being that which we want it begins to manifest.  (I highly recommend the book “Ask and It is Given” by Abraham and Esther and Jerry Hicks.)  We must be the change we want. 

 The bottom line is to feel good.  It’s good to feel good.  Not only that but if we are feeling negative we cannot allow the good that is wanting to come to us.  Many times the most simple of ideas is the most powerful.

 The Universe if full of powerful paradoxes of power and simplicity.  I love the Christmas paradox of one of our most powerful teachers and healers who some call the savior of the world being born in a manger.

 I love the Christmas energy which is palpable and created by everyone.  It’s a believing that this time of year is magical and loving and because we believe it, it actually is for most of us if we are not blocking it by being in a negative place.

 So, the absolutely best thing we can do in order to fulfill our heart’s desire is to get happy.

 Peace and Love, Connie

December 21, 2009:  Connecting with Source Within

 Coming home to the Source within is definitely making a difference with me.   My mornings have a totally different character.  Rather than waking up and bracing myself at some level for the morning’s dismal playground of the mind and figuring out how to do damage control on my own negative self talk I’m beginning to know that it’s time to re-boot with Source.

 At night we return to our non-physical beings and refresh ourselves from being in physical form all day with all of the stresses we place on ourselves.  But waking up entails a focusing into the physical body again…a kind of rebirthing every morning is going on. 

So, with the knowing that I need not judge the process and allow myself to just wake up and re-boot I’m more curious rather than negative.  I woke up this morning and just felt blank…a tabula raza.  I let it be.  Then I began looking for the connection which is a feeling…any kind of feeling.  It’s kind of like looking for breadcrumbs to follow to the connection.  I knew there were tears somewhere in the mix but not strong and I began to journal, listen to some music and wait.

 I think I’ve become really good at not judging my tears at this point because I do know their value as a connection to Source and at least a starting point from feeling blank.  So as I have coffee and just enjoy the luxury, the ability to sit and wait for that conscious connection on a Monday morning, I closed my eyes and in the quiet I felt something, a quickening you might say, or a higher vibration pass through my body from my head down.  It wasn’t mind blowing but it was definitely there and I felt it.  The Connection.  The ramping up.

 I wrote out my intentions for the day and reminded myself that I would look for better feeling thoughts when ever I can today because that process of letting go of whatever is holding you and releasing it to something that feels better, that process is the centerpiece of creation.

 And as I write this I want to really get a good run on that thought and fill it out next time.  Have a wonderful Monday, Brave Ones.

 With Love, Connie

December 18, 2009:  Believing and Knowing

There is such an enormous distance between understanding something or believing something and knowing something in your bones, almost at a cellular level.  And when this shift happens from getting it to really getting it there is a shift, too, in how you “be”  in the world.

I love feeling better.  Having a new car to play with has been wonderful.  I’ve had to ask myself…is it the new car that is “making” me happy or am I truly on my way to feeling better.  I want to feel better regardless of my outside circumstances and in truth I was on my way to feeling better before the arrival of the car.  The better you feel the better you feel and so on.  It’s the creative dance we came to discover here.

And still my mornings are challenging.  I wake up sometimes tearful, sometimes fearful and sometimes just rather blank.  And I was feeling rather stumped with this.  And I ask what’s with this…every morning is Groundhog Day again and I don’t get it.  What am I missing and Guidance Pleeze!

And then I knew.  I knew what I’d known all along but somehow I’d missed it.

I know now what the tears are for and what I’m weeping for.  I’m longing for my connection with myself.  Call it a soul connection, connection with Source, Higher Power.  The name doesn’t matter.  It’s that connection between me and my divinity.  Mini-me finds a home.

If I wake up with fear that is no connection at all.  If I can move to tears then I’m calling out for a connection and that feels better than feer.  If I wake up with a blank feeling then I can just enjoy waking and breathing in the connection that will come as I enter my day.

So I’ve been blessed and sometimes feel cursed with a highly sensitive system.   I don’t know of anyone else who feels like they are “birthed” every morning.   I understand that infant state when babies wake up and cry for someone to come and pick them up and then they can connect to that parental energy and feel grounded.  I didn’t have that kind of grounding and safe feeling parental energy to get my bearings from.

That left me searching for literally a lifetime looking for that “something” to grab hold of.  I looked for it in people, I looked for it in things, I looked for it in chemicals.  We all look for that because no parent is perfect.  I just missed it at an earlier stage.

But that “sacred wound” directed my life and led me to the great ah-ha, the clarity of knowing.  I’m connecting with the deeper part of me and feeling that and knowing that at the same time is delicious.

With Love, Connie

December 16th:  My primary intention for my new life post 32 years at Horizons is to create the life I want by imagining it, and allowing it to emerge by reaching for the knowing that it will, reaching for the feeling that I already have it.

I’ve also told myself repeatedly that I will act only out of inspiration and not out of motivation (see previous entry entitled Inspiration vs. Motivation) and that includes not doing things out of fear or guilt.  I will do things that “fit” for me and that feel good to me and my faith says that what I want will begin to emerge.  Ask and it is given.  I have no set idea of how or when or who or what.  I’ll let the Universe deliver just the right thing and it is really an interesting ride waiting for the next thing to appear.

My blog was an inspiration which has been very satisfying to create and I’d like to announce that a new car has manifested for me!  Yes it has.  It’s not like the fairies brought it in one night and set it down for me.  It was the opportunity that emerged and I acted.

My daughter was in a relatively minor car accident in her father’s old subaru.  She was fine but the car was too banged up to be fixed.  So her dad bought my car and with the money from that exchange I am leasing a new Hyundai Genesis Coupe.  It is a car I have been imagining for years…very sporty, 6 speed manual transmission, sun roof, XM radio, premium sound system, gangsta wheels.  I’m in love.

This tangible dream coming true is just on time.   The dream wasn’t birthed as smoothly as I would have liked.   In retrospect, I felt about getting the car like I felt before I began publishing the blog.  It’s what I really wanted to do and I was very anxious about it to the point of feeling physically ill. 

Now I know that those feelings arise out of “do I really deserve to get what I want?”  “What will other people think?”  Even looking at these questions now they seem ridiculous but at the time they sure had some clout. 

How easy it is to talk ourselves out of our dreams, to discard, to run from them as if they were an unwanted lover.

I’m glad I didn’t run.  I just won’t let myself now.  I know too much.

With Love, Connie

December 15th:  Two days ago I was having an exceedingly bad day and even more frustrating was my seeming inability to not beat up on myself for not being able to pull out of it, just do something for God’s sake.  And all of that is so unattractive.

And then I was thinking well, you create your own reality and if you can’t do any better than this then you’re fucked!

I arrived at my house, home to my husband and 24 year old daughter and went on line to post a blog and noticed I received a comment on a previous blog  from someone I did not know.  That really lifted my spirits and I was very pleased and affirmed that someone had actually found this site out there in cyberspace.  What a gift to me!

Then the three of us went to see Invictus, a movie about Nelson Mandela and the Rugby World Cup series in 1995, I believe.   It is a wonderful movie and extremely uplifting.  It is about your beliefs creating what is wanted.   It is about forgiveness and healing.   It is about a man who knows deeply what it means to be in charge of his own soul.   Just what I needed.

The Universe gave me two special gifts today at a time when I was needing them most and I was reminded of how connected I am to the world around me…intimately connected.  This is a new thing to me having felt so islolated much of the time.  I was reminded that the world around me will give me what I need.  I felt “given to” and was uplifted in that knowing.

Those gifts allowed me to expand into the person that is much more attractive to me, the person that I am becoming.

With Love, Connie