November 25, 2009 :  Ask and it is given

 As I wake up again to feel the fear first and then the tears I decided to make a connection that felt stabilizing and so I bravely called my therapist’s answering machine.  She said I could and even though I still felt pangs of shame I was brave and called anyway.  I was counting on getting the answering machine because if she had actually answered the phone I would have panicked and hung up.  This way I could weep into the answering machine and know my voice was going to find her and that she would hear me out there.  Knowing that was enough.  The connection made.

 This reminded me of friends who adopted an infant girl from China 9 years ago.  When they brought her home she looked rather depressed and so tiny for her 6 months.  She did not cry.  I suppose in orphanages babies learn not to cry because no one comes.  She only whimpered a bit now and then.  Months later her mother was so happy.   Her daughter cried for the first time.

 What an amazing event that was!  What an accomplishment. To believe if I make a noise that someone will hear me and respond to me.  This tiny girl found her voice and beginning to trust that she matters once again dared risking to ask for what she wants.  And someone answered, overjoyed that the risk was taken.

 I know I have infant memories, body memories, memories that I cannot recall but only feel and know.  At that moment I began to know that my tears now are actually a step forward.  I knew that at some level but now it is clear to me.  I’m hearing myself make a sound and I’m responding with love and with everything available to me.

 My tears were my earliest connection to the physical world.  Here I was, this amazing bundle of passionate energy being “born” into my body every day and evidently I had strong feelings about the situation which was not receiving me well.  I learned not to cry.   According to my dear mother, I was such a good baby because I never cried.  Just trying to do my part.  I am a quick study.  I learned very quickly what went over well and what did not and always was eager to please.  Obviously I decided that making noise was not a good idea.

 I’ve had difficulty, like many of us, needing, wanting, asking- anything that required my reaching for something outside of me.  Crying is the earliest form of asking.  I get that now.  Crying without shame can be difficult in this culture.

 But this morning my tears feel like a badge of landing on the planet.  And rather than my tears spiraling myself into a wad of self pity, I actually feel rather proud of their strength and persistence in making a connection with me and the world around me.

 Welcome to Planet Earth, Connie.  We hear you.  I hear you.

With Love,  Connie

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