Vision Keeping

July 13, 2010:  Clarity in the Vortex

When our daughter was an infant I implemented probably my most important parenting policy.  I decided that I would make important parenting decisions only from a place of feeling good.  I would not make decisions from a place of guilt…like when to stop breast feeding, when to keep her in her own bed.  I would not make those decisions because I was wondering about what others would think or if I were a bad parent.  These decisions were too important to make from a place of neurotic guilt.  I was clear about that. 

That policy stuck with me and served us both well.  Now it helps me to stay clear of her stuggles to become an adult and keep my mouth shut knowing that she is an amazing spirit who will definitely find her way.

If only I could be as respectful to myself.  It is clear I need to implement that policy with myself.  For the past several days I have been in and out of my Vortex, that place of joy and well being.  (See Abraham on the side panel for wonderful Vortex information.)  I’m encouraged because I am feeling really good more of the time.  Compared with last year at this time….well there just isn’t any comparison.  

I’ve been wrestling with doubt about my future, i.e., will I really get what I’m wanting, will I have the money I need, will I have something to work at that brings me joy?  This is really a slippery slope and I’ve been focusing on not allowing those thoughts too much air time.  But knowing also that pushing against them is not a solution either I let myself really have some stored up tears.

As a side bar I can’t cry with the gusto I once had.  I’m amused to say that.  When I really go the to “ugly cry” as Oprah would say, something interal holds me from the inside and I break out into a yawn instead.  Now I know enough to know that it is my Inner Being “catching” me as it were.  I’ve grown enough that vibrationally I’m just not a match for that kind of crying out of self doubt.  It is as if my body will not allow me to betray myself.

So after I allowed some tears I did feel a bit soothed and this morning I woke and felt such clarity in the knowing that where I am in my process is just so perfect.  I’m doing such important work this summer with the continuing of letting go of old beliefs and replacing them with new ones.   And most of all focusing myself into ever better feeling places.

One thing I have decided is that it is just so stupid, really, to put much credibility in my doubts because when I’m in the Vortex, I have no doubts and know that all is well.  So I can cry to get past a bump knowing that it’s temporary and when I’m feeling better I will not be doubting.  It is like I did with my daughter…I will not make any stupid conclusions about my future when I’m simply not feeling well.  That’s crazy!  It sounds so simple and, well, duh, writing it down but it was an ah-Ha moment for me.

Just think of the hurt we can cause others when we say or do important things to them from a position of not feeling good that we would never do if we were feeling clear and loving and we blame the other for our feelings.  Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

But it’s all good.  We can’t get it wrong and we will never get it done.  With Love, Connie

July 9th, 2010:  Expansion in the Heat

The heat goes on and on and on…I know if you live in searing heat in the summer 85 and humid isn’t a big deal.  Actually for many folks they are lovin’ it here.  Sweat and all.  Bring it!   But I haven’t adjusted yet and I just don’t feel at my best with water dripping down under my boobs and into my eyes.

However in my commitment to look at the positive and to create a positive reality for myself, focusing on the heat is not in my best interests.   I can consider the current weather as my contrasting condition and use it to expand.  Abraham (see side panel) says every time we see what we don’t want we automatically project what we do want into the Universe and we then can become what we are wanting which is essentially more than who we are in present time.  We can “take the bounce” and feel better or we can stay where we are complaining about the heat.  It’s our choice.  Become who we have become or be even more unhappy and blame it on the weather.

I  do not want external conditions to control how I feel.  If I think I have to control conditions to feel good I might as well strap on the carbine and the glocks and the hand grenades because I will never ever get external conditions to go my way.  It’s impossible to do and to try is just too much damn work.  The only thing I can control is how I feel and I’m getting better and better at feeling good.

So, the heat automatically puts into my mind what I’m wanting…how about 70 degrees and dry and partly cloudy…and that feels very good.  So, I take the expansion of what I’m wanting and feel good anyway.  And I get to say to myself…you’re getting pretty good at this!

Have a great weekend wherever you are.  Love, Connie

July 6, 2010:  Boosted Up

I don’t do well in heat.  I’m Northern European in my bones, I guess.  Milwaukee is having a heat wave…for us it’s hovering around 90 degrees and it is not a dry heat, know what I mean?  We’re talking the interior of a lung.  But in ever putting a positive twist on the situation it is a chance to not allow conditions to control my mood.  I experience the contrast, take the bounce and expand to that me in a good feeling place just cool as shit!  Works for me.

But I digress from my title…”Boosted up”.   The other evening I was doing my evening meditation and was thinking about how it would feel to get my heart’s desire…or a particular piece of my heart’s desire.  Doesn’t matter what it is but just the feeling of what that wouldbe like in present tense to actually have that experience.  And it/I felt wonderful.  I was as if something internal racheted up my base line feelings, amped everything inside up a discernible notch. 

Now, I’ve had that experience before when I imagine something wonderful in the present tense and feel the emotions that go with that.  But in this case, the emotions didn’t return to my previous base line.  They stayed up.  It was amazing…like breathing straight oxygen.  The next day was the same and I was feeling so good but a bit wobbly on my new legs that I stayed close to home to just integrate the new set point.

Now, it’s kind of like I used to feel when I was young walking into a “beauty parlor” and having a whip lash from the neutralizer from permanents hit me.  After awhile I didn’t notice it.  That’s kind of like it is now.  I’m still amped up but I’m pretty used to it.

I believe I’m preparing for what is to come.  In order to allow my heart’s desire to manifest my own vibration must match the vibration of what is coming.  I must get up to speed with the vibration of my wanting and my Source just gave me a boost.  I have to say that this does feel great.  Abraham (see side panel) talks about this a great deal.  Being happy on the way.  Enthusiastic on the way.   On the way to the receiving of that which you have ask.

I believe I will look back on this particular spring and summer as some of the most joyful days of my life.

Stay cool, people.  With Love, Connie

July 2, 2010:  No more figuring it out!

Sometimes your panties get in such a wad you just can’t sort it all out.  Guess what?  You don’t have too!  All you have to do is find a better feeling.  That’s all.  Remember all those feelings of being on this endless hamster wheel?  Monkey mind?  No more.  Just find a better feeling.

Now I’m from the old school where therapists always directed you to find out the why’s.  When did this start?  Why do you feel that way?   But Abraham (see side panel) says focusing attention on the problem does not bring a solution, it only gives more energy to the problem.  The more you go backwards in time to “look” at something the more energy you give it and the more you activate it in your now.

I’m not here to argue a point and I do believe there is a place for history but more and more I’m just wanting to feel better when I don’t and I don’t want to sort it out.  Feeling so good for awhile has left me really impatient when I don’t feel as good as I know I could that I don’t really want to put one ounce more into feeling crappy and so today I just reached for a better feeling thought.   Period.

A good way to do this is to go through the alphabet beginning with “a” and think of words that begin with “a” that feel good to you.  For me it would be allowing…acceptance… Abraham.  “B” would be basking…breathing…beautiful.   “C” could include create…calm…cinnamon roll.   And on and on.  I’ve done this at night when I’m falling asleep and I did it today driving home when I wasn’t feeling as good as I wanted to feel.

Saying the words slowly and getting the feeling of the words is the trick.  Allow those feelings to resonate in your body.  Meditation is another way to feel better fast if you are not handling heavy equipment.  Meditation is just an absense of thought so you can get your erasers out and breathe and focus on your breath or a sound or a word like “quiet” or “calm” and quiet, quiet, quiet until you feel more relaxed.

We CAN change the way we feel by focusing but most of us are lazy, sloppy focusers and we just haven’t learned how.  Not to worry.  It’s never too late to begin.  It does take practice but it also does get easier.   Remember, if you feel frustrated with trying to focus…you can continue to feel shitty and even feel justified…or you can focus.  It’s a choice.  Abraham says we are so free we can choose bondage.

Nelson Mandela freed himself while in prison doing the same thing.

Happy July 4th.  Love, Connie

June 30, 2010:  The tipping point

You know those teeter totters on playgrounds?  I used to play on them as a kid.  If you have equal weight on both sides you can stay suspended with your feet off the ground but if one side is heavier that the other or if on person moves back on the seat the weight reaches the tipping point and that end will come down and the other side will go up.  It’s kind of like a giant scales.

Abraham (see side panel) talks about a tipping point too.  They say that when you have practiced being in your Vortex of Creation, that really good feeling place, long enough, then you will reach a tipping point where most of your vibration will be in the Vortex…you won’t have to focus yourself there all the time, you will just find yourself there.  It is our natural state of being but we have gotten trained away from who we are as Source in physical bodies.

Well, folks, I have reached the tipping point.  It happened while I was in the North Woods.  It was not an event but just a noticing that my vibration was continually in the Vortex and I didn’t have to get myself there.  I just was there.  Before, when I would have periods of being in the Vortex, I did not feel as grounded there as I do now.  I could also feel spit out of the Vortex very easily with seemingly no trigger.  Now with every breath, its beginning to feel like home and I can’t tell you how amazing it is. 

I’m not quite used to it yet because I feel like my body is whirling very fast…I know my metabolism is shifting and I’m drinking water like crazy.  I’m not diabetic either.  As new as this feels, I also know that it is home.  This is where ET in Stephen Spielberg’s movie was trying to reach I think when he said “ET phone home”.  I cried so much when he said that because I wanted to go home too but I didn’t know where home was.  And now I feel as if I’m there!  And I don’t feel guilty, or arrogant, or snooty about saying it one bit because I have been looking for “home” all my life and paid my dues.  Not that there are any dues to pay…that was an out of the Vortex comment.

I feel a bit like Oprah when she said that she grew up in such grinding poverty in the south that when she began to make serious money she didn’t feel guilty at all because of where she had come from and how hard she had worked.  It’s like that for me.

I feel a sense of freedom that I’ve never felt before and it is delicious.  I’m not even afraid of saying it out loud because I know I can’t go back.  When we expand to a certain point there is no going back.  And that is also a comfort to me.  What is also very very cool is that there is no ceiling to how good we can feel.  It just keeps getting better.  There is no endedness in our expansion.

And so I return home to Milwaukee to just BE and breathe and enjoy the summer.  I know there will be days when I encounter contrast but I also know how to get home again.

With love from Home, Connie

June 25th, 2010:   A message from the Eagles

I have had an ongoing relationship with eagles.  They have always fascinated me and have become a talisman for me because of their proud independence and sense of freedom I see.  Plus they are just so stunningly majestic.

I wondered what I would take from the eagles this year.  I have stories about my interface with eagles.  I had a sense that we would connect this year because it is such a pivotal point for me.  A new life.  A new way of being in the world.  This morning I received my message.

I was doing my regular journaling and meditating this morning and I was thinking about the eagles.   It also occurred to me that nearly every time I saw them they were soaring up and up and up, going in circles, not needing to flap wings but riding air currents.  I watched them several times until they became pin points of light and I marveled at the heights they reached.

At the same time that I was thinking that the thought then came to me about how when I’m feeling some negative feelings, it is good to back away mentally from the situation until the details become blurred and I can see a bigger much brighter picture.  I can remember who I am when I back up from a troubling feeling and know the All-Is-Wellness of everything.

So I thought of the eagles and my seeing them soaring over and over, and then thought about my need to back up and away from negative thoughts and feelings and then…and this brought goose bumps on my neck…I had a deep knowing that my Source had “arranged” a hook up between the eagles and me and like I said, it was a stunning moment of Knowing.  Like receiving a personal message from the Universe and one which also said we are all one

I certainly will remember this.  I have had moments like this before but not a lot of moments when I needed the message and it resonated so deeply and clearly and also knowing that it came from somewhere other that my physical being.  It was my higher Source self speaking to me directly not in words but in an idea or a block of thought.  I know we all have access to Source energy but feeling it is such an affirmation and knowing my connection with the life around me as well feels so joyful.

And so I trailer my motorcycle home tomorrow.  I’m so appreciative of the healing time here and am curious about what is coming next.

With Love, Connie

June 23rd, 2010:  Golf Course Road has been our address for our time in the north woods.  Only two days left and it is back to the city.  I’ve come to realize just how much I need the balance of nature for my soul.  The peace, the beauty, the quiet, the quiet drama played out every day.  I’d like to stay or at least it gives me a wanting to live somewhere other than a city.  While at times I enjoy the energy of the city when I am in nature I can more easily access the freedom my soul longs for.

Golf Course Road seems pretty upper crust.  There are gates with intercoms, there are long asphalt driveways and then there is our cottage.  Slumming it on Golf Course Road….the RENTERS.  I’m sure the tongues wag about what riff raff will be moving in next.  But, hey, the view is the same for all of us…Plum Lake.  And right across the lake from our little nest is the tallest tree on the lake and the home of the resident Bald Eagle.  The same one is there every year.  I don’t think they trade nests.  And this nest is awesome!  I best you could build a small cabin with the stuff of that next.

I’ve talked with the Bald Eagles for years.  This year has been a banner year for my Bald Eagle sightings and I’ve seen several groups of three flying together.  But there is just one Sistergirl on our lake.  I believe she’s a girl because she is so large and the gal eagles are larger than the males.  In past years I’ve talked with her and she has buzzed our cottage.  You may think I’m kidding but I’m not.  The other day Dudie and I were in the paddle boat and I was sending her a “come here” message and then there she was and circled us four times before I waved “bye”. 

I sometimes feel tears when I look at eagles.  They have been a talisman of mine for a long time.  Seeing them soar just lifts me and fills me…it is the freedom, you see, that we all want.  And this year I’ve found that freedom within and basked and basked and savored and basked some more.  When I get home and feel out of my Vortex I will think of my Sistergirl Eagle and see her soaring, sometimes she soars until she becomes a dot even with high power binoculars and she doesn’t flap her wings, she just rides the air currents.  I relax into that freedom energy and it is sweet.

Tonight on “the road” I was walking the dog and in the semi darkness I kept seeing little birds doing strange darting until I realized they were bats!  I think bats are rather cute but I just don’t want one ON ME!!!  HELP!  A whole different feeling from Sister Eagle.  But we all have our unique place, don’t we?

From the North Woods, With Love, Connie

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June 22, 2010:  Drama at Walgreen’s

A plane going 500 miles an hour in the air is a wonderful ride.  Put that plane on the ground at the same speed and the ride isn’t so pleasant.  That’s Abraham’s (see side panel) description of someone whose energy is riding high and then they hit a bump.  The higher the ride the bigger the bump!  Well, I bumped.  God love Walgreen’s.

I was biking into Woodruff to go to Walgreen’s and get 2 prescriptions filled.  No big deal.  Except…the first half of my north woods retreat was passed.  Saturday was the halfway point and this was Sunday and now I’m feeling some baby negative feelings about going back to Milwaukee.  Abraham would call these negative feelings contrast.  They aren’t large but my mojo had been fucked with, definitely.  I really noticed my change in energy when I rode past a doe that had been hit by a car and was lying in the ditch thoroughly dead providing food for a large congregation of black flies.

When I saw the dear I wanted to weep.  Now that was a big clue to me that I was getting away from my good feeling Vortex.  Normally I can see road kill without feeling badly about the world and understand that there is no death but a transferring of energy from one focus point to another.  Not this time.  Help, I sense trouble but on to Walgreen’s.

I take my Rx’s to the pharmacy and the nice lady looks at them,  keys them into their computer and says that according to the Walgreen’s data base, I have had no insurance since December.   WHAT!  These are prescriptions I’ve had for years and I’ve been getting them every month.   And then I had flashbacks of a clusterfuck with Walgreens over a different prescription in the fall and all of that anger and helplessness came up.

I was hanging on and the nice lady said she would call the insurane company.  OK.  I paced the aisles, blinking back tears and telling myself that this didn’t warrant tears and I must be nuts and I created this situation because I didn’t clean up my Walgreen,s issues before this and they are evidently still brewing.  Then I’m called the the pharmacy.

The nice lady says the insurance company says my insurance ended in April.  There was nothing I could do at that point.  It was clearly incorrect.  I HAD gotten new cards in May and the new cards were EXACTLY front and back the same as the old ones.  I had to pay cash for the meds and deal with the insurance company when I return home.  I was beginning to cry behind my tough biker sunglasses.  I got my meds and with leather gloves in my back pocket and bad boy boots hitting the floor I walked out.

At my bike I experienced a sort of tsu nami of anguish and I thought I might faint or disolve.  I walked and I felt like a nut case and I let that go on for about one minute and then I did an intervention on myself.  Breathe, you have been through this before, all will be figured out when I get home.  Nothing horrible has happened.  It was just a major trigger of abandonment, helplessness, powerlessness.  That was past.  You are fine.  Take the scenic way home and not wear your helmet and let your brains breathe and feel better.

I began to feel better when I got to the produce department of the grocery store in St. Germaine.  Ah, produce.  It looked so lovely and healthy and I was thinking of dinner and that I would definitely get my bearings.  I was also more accepting of the fact that, yes, I was sailing very high and fast and hit a tree going 500 mph.

I was also seeing that I needed to clean up a Walgreen’s vibration that was clearly still lingering.  Actually the Walgreens vibration was connected to the health insurance vibration that was connected to my agency merger vibration which was connected to the loss of my former life vibration.  DAMN.  There is a lot of cleaning to do.  It becomes one of those global- the- world -sucks vibrations.

The antidote for this kind of thing for me is to find the positive aspects of the situation.  So I began lists of what was positive about Walgreens all the way back to leaving my job and the positive aspects of that.  The momnent I began this I also began to feel better and the better I began to feel the better I was able to feel and on and on.

I took the bounce that the contrast had offered and expanded into a new sense of well being.  I turned the corner towards home with a fresh knowing of the value of the bumps in my expansion and vowing to squeeze the juice of the learning that came from this and what would come again this week as I begin to transition energy into embracing the part of my life that is waiting for me.

God I love the North Woods.  With Love, Connie

June 17, 2010:  Home in the Woods

I had no idea I needed a vacation until I’ve been in Wisconsin’s north woods for 5 days.  I mean in Milwaukee, I don’t have to get up to work every day and my work has been feeling as good as I can and taking the next bounce/step.  I had not been feeling all that hot for several days prior to coming here.

There is something so soothing about being in nature.  The north woods in magic.  The energy is so non resistent.  It is Source energy pure and non contrasting commin acha.  With each passing day I feel more and more at one with everything around me.  My senses are heighted this year and I’m more tuned into self.  I can really tell the difference in the me of previous years and the me now in the north woods.  I’m happy to report that I want to do absolutely nothing except listen moment to moment for what I’m wanting…no plans allowed…just what do I feel like doing now and then what do I feel like doing now.  And my days are just opening easily and I feel more and more relaxed with me.  Just waking down the road behind our cottage in the evening is magic.  The night air is cool and yet has that velvety smell of pine.  The sky is so clear with no city lights  The setting sun is stunningly pink and purple and violet against the lake.

I went out to the dock yesterday morning and there were a pair of loons not 20 feet away from me.  That is a first.  I’m enjoying a paddle boat also.  Dudie, bff dog, and I get into the boat and paddle all over the lake.  There is a resident Bald Eagle directly opposite us across the lake.  I have an ongoing relationship with her.  I believe it is a her because of her immense size and females are larger.  I sent her my thoughts before I came and asked her to “play” with me.  This afternoon we were over by her tree and I looked through the binoculars to see if there was a nest and there it was.  The size of it took my breath away and then there She was circling overhead.  She circled over us and I waved, then she flew behind the trees only to come back and circle us again.  She repeated that four times.  The next time I saw her she was so far overhead she looked tiny and I couldn’t believe how far up she was!  2,000 feet perhaps.

In earlier years I have asked her for feathers and then have gone and gotten them by her tree.  I keep them to smudge with.  I’ll likely ask her again but the timing and asking needs to come from within.

It’s so easy to feel Source all around me up here.  The energy is so dense and loving and peaceful.  Makes me consider a move.  Not necessarily here but out of the city, especially a city that is so racially divided.  I did my time on the front lines of that pain.  I’m ready to talk to eagles now.  My meditations up here are more expansive and rather that relaxing and focusing on “nothing” to empty my mind, I’m focusing on All That Is to focus my mind.  It’s words but I feel a shift to abundance rather than emptiness and it feels very much better.

In letting go to Source here in Northern Wisconsin I feel caught in the arms of my Source.  I’m held securely.  I can let go.  There is so little contrast here to distract me from feeling held.  And I like the idea of held securely as well.  I’ve never felt so safe and the better I feel the better I feel and I also know that my future is assured.

Ta ta for now.  With love, Connie

June 14, 2010:   The Happy Biker

I just came back from the road, bugs in my teeth.  I purposefully shunned the use of my helmet this ONE time because I swear I needed to feel the wind in my hair…and I did.  This two lane forest road… put the bike into 5th gear and just let the wind slam me for awhile and I feel alive!  On my way home it began to rain and I had my  helmet on and just felt happy dodging the drops.

When I returned to the cottage I discovered Dudie, my bff dog, was having a growling stand off with some grey fur on the ground and I frantically went over to see and there was this small grey squirrel face down doing nothing but kind of pushing itself along on its stomach head first.  Dudie, my fierce Bichon/Lhasa hunter was kind of wanting to play and wasn’t getting the response he had hoped for.  I can’t imagine that he had actually caught a squirrel.  He’s not the killer Teddy Bear.  I picked him up and brought him in but now every time he wants to go out he will just be sucked to that same spot.  I wonder if the squirrel was playing at being half dead?  Ya think?  I want to feel sorry for the squirrel and I must remember that we humans have a very warped view of death…like it is something horrible, not the leap into the wonderful expansion of everything we have lived and become all in one fell swoop.  People who have lived near death experiences don’t want to come back it is so wonderful except that they feel something undone or that they are needed still and so they return.  But animals come and go and come and go.  It’s no big deal.  They like new bodies!

I love this country in the north woods.  It just smells like pine velvet.  I woke feeling rather wobbly and then I could feel myself taking the bounce.  With the contrast I was feeling the past few days I couldn’t seem to take the bounce being called forth with the expansion I had taken.  I felt stuck in contrast and it was not the appreciative experience that Abraham (see side panel) would like me to have.  When we feel anything negative, we can know that we have in that moment that we have already asked to feel better and the greater non physical piece of us has aready become that better feeling aspect but we feel crumby because we haven’t taken the bounce yet.

I didn’t know how or where to bounce.  This morning I got it.  My bounce feels like an inner bounce this time.  I was being called to take an inner bounce…go inside and expand more deeply withing.  It was not an outward expansion like I usually feel but going more inside.  So I did that.  Sinking, and relaxing down and then the bells rang for me.  I took the bounce and could become the happy biker.

Now I want to integrate this inner bounce a bit more because I can feel the newness of it…like an energy wave I haven’t felt before…a new muscle to learn how to use.  It does involve a letting go of putting so much importance on physical reality.  It’s just not as important as its cracked up to be.  Most of our “selves” are non physical and reside in non physical and yet we seem to think that our physical reality is the be all and end all. 

Our perceptions of physical reality are changing at a macro level however.  Look at the movies that are coming around.  The Twilight series, Harry Potter, Avatar.  We are beginning to get it and can’t seem to get enough.  There is more here than was cracked up to be!  Amen to that.

Signing off from the north woods with love, Connie