Vision Keeping

November 19^th, 2009:  Rethinking Vulnerability

 I woke up again this morning with the usual anxiety followed by the usual tears.  This has been going on for several mornings – just feeling ragged.  The day just feels so immense and out in front of me and I have no immediate distractions.  This is the one time of my life when the thought of my 24 year old daughter getting knocked up just doesn’t sound that bad.  That may be just what I need!  But I probably should not even toy with those thoughts!

I make phone calls to friends or appointments that are necessary.  But most importantly I journal and listen to music.  That gets me to focus and I believe that when I’m quiet my Inner Self, Source, Guidance, God, can speak to me.

In my groggy morning state of tears and through a void can come some amazing insights or ah-ha moments as Oprah would say.  I’ve actually had some of my most profound revelations in the shower.  But that was when I had to get up to go to work.  Now I get up, make coffee and go back to be with my tears, my journal and my Dudie, the Wonder Dog.

While I’m writing I have a separate piece of paper upon which I write my intentions of the day.  I got this daily calendar from the Abraham-Hicks web site.  (It’s a great site:  www.abraham-hicks.com.)  For awhile I would write GUIDANCE PLEASE over and over.  I and would get it – in a thought, on a CD, on the radio, in the car, in a telephone call.  But it does come.

I’ve been feeling so vulnerable and raw emotionally.  I can feel overwhelmed with the thought of having to make a couple of phone calls or needing to check my email and then knowing I’m having trouble with my computer and where am I going to get it fixed and then I’m flattened for sure.

Because feeling vulnerable doesn’t feel especially good I realized I was thinking that it was a “not good” feeling and one that I should just get past somehow.  So then, without knowing it I was basically trashing myself for feeling vulnerable and judging the crying, etc., as a we-better-get-past-this kind of thing.

Because I create my own reality,  how I think about my vulnerability is important. So  I decided today to reframe it and see if I can find a more positive take on it.

When I did, I immediately felt a shift internally and somewhere from within came the knowing that this vulnerability is an act of surrender and one of strength and courage.  My vulnerability is me standing naked and saying, “Here I am, world.”   All I can say is that I know this to be true and I trust it and so I can see this piece of me with more loving, less critical eyes.

As if the Universe were affirming this conclusion of mine, I turned on one of my Abraham CD’s (Law of Attraction teachers at www.abraham-hicks.com) and Abraham promptly said that we don’t need a return to the innocence of childhood but rather than a moving forward to innocence.  I know that my vulnerability contains my innocence as well.  It was my ah-ha for the day.

With Love, Connie

Having all the time in the world can be terrifying.  Especially when it rolls down to me and my furry companion dog.  I told Dudie (bff dog) that he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he came to me.  It has reinforced the idea that there is definitely reincarnation for dogs as well because he is the perfect partner for me – he listens to every word, cuddles every tear, doesn’t crab for food, doesn’t shed, smells wonderful and has a bladder of steel.  I tell him constantly how amazing he is.  He also is my connection to the world when I’m absolutely feeling shitty.  When I’m wearing sunglasses because of eye bloat, people still come up to us with love and say “Oh, he’s soooooo cute?  Can we pet him?”  Sure, I say confident that I can actually feel normal because they are focused on him and we all get our needs met…a win/win/win.

My husband of 27 years and I have amicably separated and my 24 year old daughter lives with him in our house for now so it’s me and my loft walls or my own personal retreat as I have dubbed it.  The perfect place to create my new, amazing life.  And I’m fortunate to have a good friend/mate extending a welcome matt to me in our house and who would do absolutely anything he could for me.

I don’t have that many distractions. This might be someone’s idea of a great vacation but in the stillness of my loft/retreat I fact my demons of unworthiness, self doubt and most of all doubting my king pin belief that my path will emerge as I imagine it will.

I have wonderful support.  Team Connie as one friend has dubbed us.  Friends, coach, therapist all helping in the launch.

So, what do I do with my days?  First I cry.  That was the title of a famous woman’s memoir of her battle with breast cancer.  I don’t have cancer and it’s actually not the first thing I do.  Really, if the truth be told, I’m feeling cold fear right after I open my eyes.  I do what I can with self talk, affirmations, etc. to mediate the fear. but I’m just too raw at that first waking moment to make inroads.  After the fear comes the tears which actually feel better.  I journal, I meditate, which takes the edge off and I plan my day.

Have I mentioned grief?  Oh, my good lord!  I truly underestimated the amount of me I had invested in my wonderful work.  How much of me was defined by being Executive Director.  I totally get why many men croak when they retire.  For a lot of us not having a job is not for weenies.  It takes guts to purposefully not have anything too distracting in the day.  At least telling myself that provides some dignity.

I try to have at least one activity during the day.  Something to give me some direction, some orientation, some minimal structure and nourish my soul since my activities usually revolve around people whom I love.

But I’m not ready for a lot of activity yet.  I’m exhausted from the last few years of survival.  I’m grieving the loss of a job, a marriage, a daughter who no longer needs me and who is growing her own life.  I’m also grieving the departure of my skin.  It decided to travel south.

But I’m also excited about possibilities at times, and of experiencing ah-ha’s and synchronicity and joy that tells me I’m moving in the right direction.

In my notes I hope to share my progress, my learning, my ups and downs, lord have mercy, and what I’m doing about it.

With Love, Connie

     Life is supposed to be fun.  Oh, really.  Good lord, that did not come from my mother.  According to her dear fundamentalist prairie self too much fun was right up there with sinful and that of course means there must be sex involved somehow if only in thoughts or words.  But that’s enough!  It’s all sin and climb into the hand basket!

      Nevertheless, I survived her view, probably in so small measure due to my “sinful” father, and I absolutely believe that life is supposed to be fun and probably would be except for the fact that as babes we were systematically trained away from our natural joy and wonder at the world around us.  At a spirituality seminar, recently, a participant asked the presenter, “my child wants me to ask you why are grown-ups so grumpy?”  Now that’s a thought worth considering.

      There really aren’t that many grumpy kids around.  Grumpy old men. Grumpier old men.  But not grumpy toddlers or grumpy children.  We’ve lost our way, most of us…but hold that thought while I lay this in.

      I’m living through a major life transition.  At 62 I recently resigned as Executive Director of a non profit agency for women in the criminal justice system where I have spent the last 32 years of my life.  I left out of necessity – for my own spiritual health as well as for the agency’s financial well being.  Life for me had definitely NOT been fun for some time and the organization needed the support of a larger agency for long term survival.  Non profit mergers are the new thing in the industry for better or worse…but I digress.

     So, I’m 62, unemployed and definitely not wanting to retire.  Even if that were an option I think I would lose my mind.  My soul definitely says I have stuff left to do.

      And now I’m back to life is supposed to be fun.  For most of the past 32 years I have loved my job.  During those years I’ve honed my fundamental beliefs and this definitely includes the idea that we are creating the lives we live by our beliefs and thoughts and through the Law of Attraction (I put this in caps out of respect for the power this represents).

      Now I have this amazing opportunity which I have created, with the time and the resources, including financial resources and “my people”, to create what I hope will be the best part of my life.  I can live my beliefs and create out of my thoughts, intentions and inspired action the most amazing life possible.

      Sometimes I’m excited and really believe that this is going to happen. 
At other times I just feel scared stupid with the accompanying words and ugly face telling me, “You/re too old to do all that and you are not even clear what that is yet,  you’re too old to have the partner and forget the great sex you are imagining, plus where do you think all of this money you want is going to come from?”

      But, OUT OUT bad thoughts!  I’m blogging my way through the coming year to record my progress, focus my thoughts and intentions and, who knows, build some community along the way.

 With Love, Connie