Vision Keeping

March 11, 2010:   Feeling Forward

 Feeling forward is a great new term I learned on the latest Abraham (see panel) recording.  It refers to looking to your dreams and feeling your way there by enjoying the feeling the way that having them makes you feel.  So, knowing that something wonderful is coming my way when I’m lined up I feel great.

 It doesn’t hurt that I’m leaving for my cruise tomorrow morning.  Yes!  I had lunch with a friend today and we practiced my wave from the main deck.  As the ship sails out into the Atlantic on its way to the Caribbean, I’m on the deck waving, take that, bitches…hand slightly cupped, only turning at the wrist.

 Packing was painful, however.  It took me all day Wednesday to pack and at that time I discovered that it was March 10^th and I had lost two days.  I realized that my previous entry here the day before was dated March 7^th, I think.  Where was I?

 Anyway packing…I had to try everything on before I put it in the suitcase because I’ve expanded in my pain in the past few months.  It just kind of crept on when I wasn’t noticing all of those home made dark chocolate covered caramels going in my mouth every night while I was reading.

 The more clothes I tried on in my skivies the more depressed I became.  I could wear a lot but some were SO not fitting.  I was even sweating…sweat in skivvies when feeling fat anyway is really pathetic.

 Then, the tour de force.   My swimming suit…OMG!!  Really bad.  Body coming out the edges.  No way.  So I said a prayer and hoofed it quickly to TJMAXX down the street.  I was creating a suit in my mind all the way there and guess what!  MANIFESTATION of a Calvin Klein suit ticket priced at $98 and I paid ta-da $20.  Boy do I have it!!

 So tonight I prepare for a 4 a.m. wake up and a flight to Ft. Lauderdale.  I’m taking my laptop and will keep you up on the haps.  I SO couldn’t leave you for 10 days.

 I’m off to see the Wizard…and in this case it is Abraham on the Eurodam in the Caribbean.  I’ll get myself in the hot seat yet.

 With Love and feeling forward, Connie

March 7th, 2010:  Take the Bounce

I’m still making an appeal for anyone who finds this writing remotely interesting to let me know.  It would really make my day.  I know there are readers who frequent the site and I would be really excited to hear from you!  Truly.    At this stage in my writing I’m hitting somewhat of a wall.  I enjoy doing this and I’m wondering if anyone else finds it useful in some way.  Hi, out there again!  I’ll keep pestering until I flush you out.  Stalking from the inside out.

So, I’m taking the bounce.  I like how that sounds.   Contrast is anything in our lives that is not to our wanting, or doesn’t feel in harmony with what we are wanting.   Contrast is essential in creating.  We would not have come here unless there was contrast.  When I was in Tahiti last year I was talking with our tour guide who was telling us about the island people who live way out on the edges of French P0lynesia.  She says while it’s beautiful that people need to be very emotionally stable to live there because of it’s beautiful sameness every day.  She remarked on the alcoholism there.

We need to mix it up.  It makes us feel alive.  So contrast is that stuff of life that stimulates us to want something different.  For example, if we are sick, we want to be well, if we don’t have enough money we want more money, if we are living alone, we may want a partner, if we are not happy at work we may want a better job and on and on.  If we are flipped off in traffic we may want nicer people in our lives.

So, when we experience contrast we automatically shoot thoughts of what we do want out into the Universe and this wanting becomes a stretching of who we are.  Actually having what we want is a much different vibration than the feeling of wanting what we don’t want.    We must heed the vibrational calling of the solution rather than beating the drum of the problem if we are to get what we want.  For example.  If I’m wanting more money it cannot come to me if I’m beating the drum of not having any.  My “not having any” vibration blocks what we want from coming to us.  It’s the Law of Attraction.

Someone famous said the energy of the solution is different from the energy of the problem or something like that.  It’s the same thing.  It’s also Law of Attraction.  If we are focussed on not enough money, only more not enough money can come to us.   Positive psychology is getting a lot of focus right now as well.

So back to taking the bounce.  If I’m not feeling good, and I haven’t been feeling good lately, just look at some of my entries, I want to feel better.  So I decided to take the bounce of this contrast, use it as a spring board to actually put myself in a better feeling place.  Not feeling good is urging me to feel better rather than worrying about not feeling good.  That only gets me more of not feeling good.  Taking the bounce is stretching myself to become the person the contrast is asking me to be.

And I can say that today I’m able to do that and it feels amazing.  I hope your brains aren’t terribly scrambled by all of this.  It can be a mind bender.  I would like nothing better than a conversation about this with you.  Ask away.

With love, Connie

March 6th, 2010:  Hello Out There!

Beginning new things can be on a continuum from exciting to terrifying.  When I began this site last November I was pretty scared.  I felt so vulnerable.  But my guidance told me solidly that it would be a good thing to do and so I got on with it.  I had no expectations other than providing me with something that felt good in the doing…feeling productive as well as giving me a focus.

I enjoy writing and journaling.  Doing this particular venture has helped me focus personally in some really helpful ways and I’ve collected some stats that shows  visits to the site are growing.    I was amazed in December when I realized that there were some people out there that were visiting regularly.  For a self proclaimed technophobe, that was incredible to me.

But at this point in my blathering…is that a word?…is this helpful or interesting to anyone but me?  I realize I’m taking a tremendous risk here because there is a good chance I won’t hear from anyone.  The last comment I got was dated December 3rd from the Payday Loan people.  I just felt so used…pimped by Payday.

If making a comment feels scarey think of what you will be giving me and the rest of this community and how proud you’ll be!  A breakthrough.  Originally I wanted to be able to use this sight as a community tool.  I’ve been a teacher for many years and have taught an Abraham (see panel) like curriculum about creating the life your want.

So I’m issuing an invitation to say hey, and to let me know if this is remotely useful in any way and if there’s anything you like in particular.  I’d love to hear from you!   It would feel satifying.  Feedback is a good thing.

My cruise countdown shows 6 days until I go to Ft. Lauderdale.  We sail the next day!   I plan on taking my laptop so you can go with me and I’ll let you know about Abraham’s seminars and the ports we visit.

With Love, Connie

March 5th, 2010: 

I wake again to fear.  The kind of fear I felt one year ago.   And then it was the first time in 32 years I didn’t have a job.  And I struggled with finding myself worthy. 

I still don’t have a “real job”.  But I had to remind myself…whatI’m doing is probably the most important work of my life.  My work is feeling good.  And the kind of feeling good that doesn’t depend on any outside situation to be fixed or created in order for me to feel good.  My work is feeling good from the inside out.  Just because I am.   The critical work is in the being rather than the doing.  And for this society that’s certainly a paradigm shift.

And I had to know and trust that this is true.  Feeling good is the work.  For if I’m feeling good everything I want can come to me.  Some people just say, well bring me the money I want and I’ll get happy or bring me the partner I want and then I’ll feel good.  And it simply doesn’t work that way.  The Law of Attraction will bring us what we want when we are as happy without what we are wanting whatever as we would be with it.  Because when we are being the person happy with whatever we are desiring we are a match to that which we want and it must come to us.  That is a major mouthful.  We imagine ourselves as us already having what we are asking for…feeling good.  And then what we want must come.  

When I can do that I feel wonderful and then there are some days like today when that seems very far away and I become discouraged.  Will my dreams come true?  Will I get what I’m wanting?  A friend with whom I had lunch today said to me…”more will be revealed.”  She also reminded me of how much of what I’m wanting has come about.  Yes that’s true.

I’m feeling the kind of good many times that I’ve wanted to feel.  I have a new car.  I’m going on a cruise a week from today!  My cruise countdown continues.   My family relationships are better.  I’m more appreciative of what I have.  I’m learning to make peace with where I am.

And I look forward to the more being revealed.

With love, Connie

March 3rd, 2010:  Better from Better

The better it gets the better it gets.  That’s what Abraham (see side panel) says and I’m beginning to see an energetic shift for myself.  My vibrational/emotional set point is rising.  And this is my daily work of focusing reaping some results.   On a recent recording of a session with Abraham a man in the audience told Abraham, “When I focus, it just doesn’t feel good.”  Abraham’s reply was we have our particular set point and Law of Attraction keeps us there, i.e., keeps drawing experiences and ideas and people to us that affirm our particular set point.  So to consciously focus on feeling better it may take some juice (my word) to shift. 

Some people may say, well that’s just the way I am….pessimistic, worried, etc.  Abraham says you can continue to be unhappy or you can focus.  It’s our choice.  And when we see the results the focusing does get a lot easier.

I think it’s difficult for most of us to see ourselves as vibrational because we are so fleshy and bony and bloody.  But it’s not as difficult for us to know that that’s the way we interpret the world around us.  We interpret the world through vibration.  We also know that different people may have very different vibrational interpretations of the same thing.

I woke this morning with a start at 7:45 and it was sunny in my loft.  I experienced sharp fear which I had not been feeling in the morning.  I attempted to shift that fear into a better feeling vibration and was rather unsuccessful in my view.  I could get to tears which was better that fear but not as good as I had hoped. 

But I met with a friend and we ended up laughing hysterically and I so needed that.  I’m able to shift my energy more easily now.  I’m also asking for more help.  I write my intensions for the day down on a slip of paper and put it into my back pocket.   I was writing fast this morning and demanding some guidance and help for my feelings.  They came.  When I left my meeting I could say, “I did that!” 

Ther better it gets the better it gets..,…love, Connie

March 2nd, 2010:   Don’t forget to as

I realize that for much of my life I’ve waited.  I’ve waited to feel good again.  I’ve waited for something terrific to happen.  I woke up this morning and no good feelings were forthcoming and so I asked very clearly for help to feel better and in a matter of less that 2 minutes I had good feelings wash down through me. 

The better it gets the better it gets.  This is what Abraham (see side panel) says constantly.  And I’ve noticed more lately that I’m able to effect my energetic state with some asking…I just forget to ask sometimes.

So with that asking being answered in such a dramatic way for me this morning I decided that I was in a position to get more clear about my asking on larger issues.  It’s no longer a matter of being able to navigate my days.  I’ve gotten pretty good at that.  Now I’m getting ready to think about what I’m wanting next.

And so today I said to my Creative Source, “I’m ready.”  I’m feeling ready for my life to move.  I’m wanting to allow some good to manifest, not only in relationships but in my financial well being.  I’m shifting into a posture of readiness.  I was going to add “expecting” but I’m not sure I’m quite there yet.  But I do feel ready.

When I put myself in the ready mode I feel myself looking forward with more clarity and intention.  I’m clear that I want to move forward and I intend to do just that and I’m fully trusting that I will be given what I’m needing.

What I know for sure is that I’m an impatient being.   Now that I’m getting used to feeling better I’m hot onto the next thing which is more reaching.  I’ve been reaching for so long just to feel better and now that I do and am getting a handle on that I’m saying, so now what?  What’s next?   And the neat part is I don’t have to worry about what, where, from whom it will come.  It’s a vibrational journey.

What’s next is the asking and I’m ready.

With Love, Connie

February 28th, 2010:  Cruise Countdown

It’s time, it’s time.  Time to switch gears from flying my vibrational self through the turbulence of this past week into the sun of looking forward to a cruise.

Last year at this time I had worries that I would not be ready/able to go on a cruise to Tahiti so great was the emotional crisis at the time.  So one year later, getting the “anniversary reaction” out of the way a bit early and I’m ready to ride the waves!

The cruise is 7 days in the Caribbean aboard Holland America’s Eurodaam and attending an Abraham seminar on ship all week as well.  I love cruising with Abraham (see side panel).   I don’t worry about traveling/flying but I think with Abraham with us we definitely will get back to port.

My cruising preference has been Princess but Jerry and Esther Hicks seem to like Holland America.  I must say that the staterooms are bigger and the beds really much better.  Cruise lines are known for their horrible beds but HA has some of the best!  I haven’t been on the Eurodaam but it’s a newer ship and a bit larger than the Westerdaam which I’ve been on before.  God, I’m beginning to sound like Cruise Critic.

Being in the presence of Abraham is nothing like I’ve ever experienced before.  Abraham is the name of a group of non-physical teachers who speak through Esther Hicks.  The amazing story of how this came about is available through their website at www.abraham-hicks.com.   Esther receives Abraham’s energy and translates blocks of thought from them.  Abraham is clearly different from Esther’s personality and being in their presence is an experience in itself. 

The first time I went to an Abraham seminar was in Chicago nearly three years ago.  I made sure I was sitting near the front because I wanted to be as close as I could to them.   Esther closes her eyes, relaxes, and allows herself to receive their energy.   After they “arrive” she opens her eyes and begins to speak for Abraham.  Their energy is at a much higher vibration and I allow myself to receive it as well.  My body was literally buzzing and I felt so good I didn’t want to move.

After Abraham gives opening remarks they invite questions from the audience.  On the Tahiti cruise I was able to be on the stage with Abraham and that was a truly amazing experience.  Being that close to them and having them focus on me…my teeth were buzzing!  No to mention I was so nervous I thought I’d mess myself.

So, I’m off to talk with Abraham in the Caribbean.  I’m creating my conversation with them now, picturing myself with them, hearing my question so that I will fully be prepared energetically to be with them.  Believe it, be it.  Athletes have been doing this for a long time.  During the Olympics these past two weeks I watched the athletes preparing for their performances and they are clearly visualizing their jumps, the ski runs, etc.  This is a common technique.  Visualize the perfection and become it.  That is deliberate creating.

We can do this deliberate creating every day of our lives.  It just takes knowing what we want and then focusing our energy.  But rather than be the deliberate focusers that we are we mostly allow whatever is around us dictate how we feel.  Slopping focusing says Abraham.

I’m continually focused on feeling as good as I can.  That means I didn’t see The Hurt Locker.  I’m not up to it.  But I loved watching the Olympics and I’m going to love starting to pack for my cruise in the Caribbean.  There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than on a beach in the Caribbean.

With Love, Connie

February 25th, 2010:  I am not my feelings

OMG!  Press release.  We interrupt this program…  On Tuesday after my last entry I had an epiphony in my therapist’s office.  Good place for one.  She happened to drop in the idea that feelings are not facts.  Oh, really.  Let that one just marinade in there for a minute.  Feelings are not facts.  Something internally jumped on that one and it not only stuck but began to dislodge an idea so ancient it was part of the infrastructure.  Feelings are not facts.

That evening every time I thought of that sentence I felt an internal freedom not felt before.   I wasn’t really understanding it fully but as I thought about it, I could just envision a jail cell door standing open.  I’m still sitting in the cell but I know I can walk out at any time.  My view of myself in the world was gently picked up and put down in a different place.  Paradigm shift!

Now I love a paradigm shift as much as the next gal but what goes with the territory is a “disturbance in the force”.  Let me back up a minute.    Anxiety has played a large part in my life and I think that’s enough said without Law of Attraction taking me to places I don’t want to visit.  Actually fear has been with me since my landing on the planet and has been so woven into the texture of my life and directed some way early life decisions to the extent that I don’t realize it’s still there…until I have a life crisis.

I always believed there was something intrinsically wrong with me.  God’s shit end of the stick.  Passed over.  Genetically fucked.  Pick one or come up with your own.  There are plenty of us out there.  Anxiety was so loud that I assumed that it was just a part of who I was and am, not really understanding that if anxiety is not a fact then it’s not who I am but something that I feel occasionally.  And as my life progressed it was less and less frequent.  Until crisis time.  One year ago I was frozen with anxiety as I left the agency and then at the one year anniversary, anxiety once again jumps out of the brain bushes and says, GOTCHA!

That’s when I say…”What the fuck is wrong with me!  And that’s when a good therapist says feelings aren’t facts.  I’ve got a get out of jail card free.  There is nothing wrong with me except I have a whoppingly good emotional range and sensitivity and did not get the tools to understand, navigate, care for my equipment.

You create your own reality.  I believe that and so now I’ve created another opportunity to get this vibration straightened out and I believe it’s definitely a worthy vibration to straighten out.   I had been feeling like I was going too fast internally and while much of it was good feelings, I felt I was getting tired and even thought that getting a virus might my be helpful for just an excuse to shut down for a few days.

I created that opportunity for myself with my one year anniversary replay of my life crisis.  I have been feeling “floppy”, unfocussed, tired and also very solidly hopeful on a deep level.   I’m glad I can now say, “I did that!”

With Love, Connie

February 23rd, 2010:  Redefining Normal

Dammit!  I want my own normal.  I believe in anniversary reactions.   That’s when you feel the same things one year later post whatever tragedy/loss you experienced.  It’s eerie the way it seems to work…like your cells have memory, and they do, and somehow when that memory gets tapped by the trigger, it’s as if your body re-experiences the feelings again of the incident. 

My daughter experienced a violent assault a few years ago and the next two years on that date were very difficult for her and for me.  After I experienced a rather serious motorcycle accident I went in to have the staples removed from the suture, oh ick, and I nearly fainted.  I’m not a fainter and it just came out of the blue.  Cells have memories.

So, I’m coming to believe that what I experienced after my Oprah taping return somehow triggered an anniversary reaction to a very scarey emotional time for me one year ago when I left the agency.  But there are always nuggests of gold to be sifted and sorted out of these experiences.

This is a chance for me to really look at how I’ve always been afraid of myself at some level…like I’m too much, too emotional, something’s wrong with my brain chemistry, too sensitive.   In short I have scared the hell out of myself at times in my life and that possibility remains lurking in my expectations, I’m convinced.

So this is a time to clean up that vibration as Abraham (see side panel) would say.  First of all I know I expect far too much of myself.  I have been on the mat at times over the past several days and I expect myself to just focus wheel myself out of the mire and I’m unable to do it at times.  I have half done focus wheels…a focus wheel grave yard…on my bed.  I was trying to make too big a leap from where I was feeling and fell through.

Then, I want to be able to look my fear when it emerges, straight on, and tell myself I’m okay, I’m not abnormal, nothing is wrong with me.  In fact this is normal for me at this moment or I would not be experiencing it.

I watched Temple Grandin on HBO this weekend and it was excellent.  Claire Danes is wonderful.  Temple Grandin is autistic and a magnificent human being.   People with autism are extremely sensitive their surroundings and they have a very different perspective of the world.  That is normal for them. 

After watching that movie I began entertain the idea that I have a very sensitive view of life and that my range of emotions is very wide and can be very loud.  Growing up in a family that didn’t express emotion gave me no role modeling for how to handle my emotions, no tools for making friends with them, no practice with acceptance.

These days of feeling afraid of myself again are a chance to love myself more with fewer conditions.  This is another key piece on the path to freedom, which I have tasted and definitely want more of.  (Dangling participle…fuck it!)

With love, Connie

February 20th, 2010:  Abiding with Me

This day is a very challenging one.  In my daily appreciations or gratitudes for the day will be getting through it.  And I know I will be getting through it.  And I guess that is something.  As I mentioned yesterday this has been the lowest on the scale I’ve felt since one year ago.  But with one large exception.  I’m not afraid.  I can experience the grief surrounding loss without fear this time.  I was so frightened last year, I felt so paralyzed.

I may be having an anniversary reaction to the trauma of last year, I don’t know.   I kinda think so.  Growing certainly is not in a straight line but I had no idea this was coming.  I was feeling so great last week so this is frustrating.  But there are certain things I know for sure:

• I feel my Source holding me and that feels good.  I know that I have grown to the point where I can trust the Source within and I don’t feel abandoned.  This is really big, folks.  I feel held and loved from within.  When I begin to doubt I get quiet and return to the stillness within and know.
• I trust that this process is needed to get me to a better place…a place where I am wanting to go. 
• I know that this is not a permanent place…just like my place of joy is not permanent as well.
• I know that this is a place of creation because as I sit with my tears and wanting to feel better I’m creating a vibrational/energetic picture of me that waits for me to catch up.  Thought forms are at the basis of all there is.  I recommend Ask and It Is Given by Abraham/Esther Hicks.  Everything exists vibrationally before it materializes.

Dudie (bff dog) sits in my lap while I type.  I can sit back and put my hands in his fur.  I have so much to be grateful for in my life right now.  I’m glad to have this place to leave some thoughts.   If I can provide something to someone else that would feel very good to me.

With Lovc, Connie