December 9, 2009:   Wanting too much?

 No two orgasms are the same.  Just like the snowflake thing.  And no two days are alike either.  That’s because we are energetic, vibrational beings who are constantly changing and expanding.

 When I’ve begun feeling good after a low period, I’m so glad because I’m feeling good.  And it seems that by the time I’m really noticing I’m feeling good I begin to feel a creeping feeling of watching for the down hill slide.  When is the other shoe going to fall and I’ll feel crappy again?  And because of my beliefs that this will happen and inevitably does, I curse my defectiveness at some level.

 But now that I have all of this daunting time on my hand and I have the luxury of being curious.  For the past several days I’ve noticed an upward swing and less morning drama.  I got my Tibbie (stuffed animal), new medication, and along with the emotional work I’ve done I believe I just may be on the upswing.

Then I wake up and feel the old fear and tears and I’m saying, what the hell is this?  I’m so frustrated with this.  Even though I know better I want to yell at myself and say, “What the hell is wrong with you.”

But wait.   I want to get curious and verbally abusing myself has never been particularly helpful.  I don’t need to be the embodiment of another critical mother.  I want to do better.

And then I receive the guidance with the thought that I have achieved, in part, what I had been asking for…feeling better, having some direction.  So now what?

And that’s it.  There’s the trigger.  I’m asking again.  I’m wanting more.  I’m wanting the next step and I don’t know what it is.  Is it all right to want?  Do I deserve more?

 So what if all of those times that I was feeling good and waiting for the other shoe to fall can be reframed into a natural receiving of what I’ve asked for and wanting something more.  Something more to think about, something more to grow into.   It’s the natural expansion of myself.

 A wise teacher told me, “Get what you ask for and shout for more.”  The more may be a new question, a new opportunity to have compassion for the unfolding of the process. 

 But I will say “yes” to asking for more.  Bring it!

 With Love, Connie