February 1st, 2010:  Tantrum time

I just got back from a long walk with my Dudie (bff dog).   I thought it might do me some good.   I don’t feel good today.  After feeling like I had found the keys to the kingdom I’m experience grief and anger.  And I’m angry that I’m having those feelings.  GO AWAY.  I’m sick of you.  I want the good stuff back.  As I write I’m picturing me lying on the concrete floor of my loft kicking my arms and legs in a full blown tantrum.  I DON’T WANT THIS, I yell.  BRING ME WHAT I FELT LAST WEEK!  NOW!!  And then, of course, I begin to doubt that my path will unfold, that I will indeed have my heart’s desire, blah, blah, blah just kill me now.

I don’t want to waste one more minute of my life on feeling crappy.   Time is a wastin’.  And then I must remind myself a bunch of stuff which I’m not sure I even want to remind myself of at the present moment.  I’m into the tantrum.  But after an internal check I’m not so invested in my tantrum that I can’t do some reminding so here goes…grrrrrrrrr.

  • These feelings won’t last forever.  They haven’t yet and I’m 63.  If I’ve felt REALLY good I can feel just as good again because I cannot become less than who I am.
  • I always learn something important which ultimately causes me to bless the tantrum.  I can only learn if I let go of my anger at myself for feeling bad.
  • My feelings shift more quickly when I can fully embrace them even when I don’t like them.  Relax into the feeling and b r e a t h e.

I think the fear is that if I relax into my feelings and truly accept them then they will hang around…like the neighbor’s house when you were young with the cool parents.  Kids like to come and hang out.  I’m not wanting these kids to hang out.

But that hasn’t been my experience.  I have to trust my Inner Being who wants better for me and with a bit of help from me will gladly show me the way out when I’m not so fiercely hanging on.

I’ll keep you posted.

With Love, Connie